i wish one day i can delete this blog wo regrets and move on to a new one
a happier, more contented one.
one that im at peace with myself
one that is genuine.

this blog is depressing
full of hatred, self contempt, tears, depression, hurt, self pity, regrets, facades, anger, confusion
im lost.
lost for so many years
even the blogging doesnt make sense.
the posts are all negative or fake positive.
its really really sad.
pathetic.

how did it become like this when ive always just tried to NOT let it be like this
the more i try to run away from it the easier it finds me.
its so painfully ironic.
each time i think i can, i may, i will step out of it
it just comes back stronger
everything i did to ensure this would not happen jsut backfired and ensured it did happen.

i do not blame anyone else
only myself
it is me, my life
not fate, or god, or my parents or the people around me
its how i WANTED it to be them, wanted to blame everything and everyone else.
when it was me all the while
and i always knew.
but the fear of that truth threw me into denial
until i can deny it no more
and im scared.
if its me... then is there no hope for change?
if so, then what happens?

i noe i want to try
try to change
i dunnoe how or what to change
but anything would be better?
i want to learn and move on
and emerge emerge victorious
like books and movies do it..
but i noe im not in a book or a fairy tale
so im scared.
im fearful
i fear that this may be it.
this is as good as it gets.
and im not happy.
but i wan to try
and if i fail... at least i tried and i experienced it.
then i'll learn and try again.
i dunnoe where to start.. wat to do.
but if i tried so hard planned so much thought so much all these years only to end up where i troed so hard not to,
then maybe i should just start with trying.. and see where it goes
maybe its better not to noe where im going
not to noe the plan.. the goal...
and hopefull one day, wo even realizing.. i'd be there

and i'll be able to delete this blog
and i would wake up with a smile
happy, content, not knowing why or how it happened
but it wont matter.
i hope.

phew.. i noe its stupid i din realize earlier
but now i can blog..
realli BLOG
for myself.

why was my day hard?
u dun wan to noe
even if u did u wont care
and u wont be knowing

wats the point of telling u it hurts
just to hurt more seeing that u dun care it hurts
or to hurt more knowing u honestly dun see it or think it should hurt..
and why dun u see it..?
cuz uve changed, cuz u stopped caring and u din even noe u stopped.
cuz it diff.
cuz we're diff

sometimes i think back and it feels like a dream..
like it never happened
but the then tears coming flowing out so freely that i noe for sure it was real
cuz the pain is.
like the tears that are rolling down my cheeks

im getting better at this
i smile at u when it hurts
i joke when it hurts
when i feel the pain and anger coming out i can control the tears and hold it all in
till im alone
and i can hide it all and pretend much faster than before.
i dunnoe how else to do it

this feeling is all so familliar
its wat i thought i never had to do again
cuz u told me to trust u and i did.

im still angry and hurt
im still unable to let go of the betrayal
and i noe u dun think u did
and i noe no matter wat i feel that hurts u wont ever see it much less understand it
so i give up
i give up
ure gone.
and ure happy wo me.. and us.
u are okie with it
i never thought u would be okie with it
but u are.

u bloody fucking liar.
thats the anger
ure the onli one i will ever let in
thats the hurt
i thought we were goin to be the most special forever cuz u said it
thats the regret
which reminds me of all the lies and betrayal of the promises u made
thats the anger pain and regret
thats wat so hard to get over.

i miss us so much...
so much
i feel so stupid missing it.
missing lies.
why
i realli just wan to noe why
why did u do this to me?

u noe i cant take a blow like this.
u noe.
u noe... onli u noe.
i onli let u noe.

once again tonight
i cry my eyes out in the shower
wipe away stray tears
take a deep breath
block every emotion out just to stop the pain
and tell myself, its goin to be okie.
im goin to be okie
i can be better. i will be.
but deep inside i noe that i dunnoe how to
i never had to do it alone.
i never had to worry
i never had to look out for myself
i never had to be okie
i dunnoe how to.
but i have to.
nobody cares kim.
u knew that
u were just stupid
and u just wanted so much to trust.
u trusted wrong.
but it will be okie...
just stop caring. about everything
u may be happy one day
maybe.

it hurts it still hurts
u see the hehes and the hahas thats all

but im not laughing
not smiling

its still hurts.
i change the subject
i make a fool of myself acting bimbotic
i insult u
i poke ur face
i pretend im ok
i pretend

it is def easier
but it more like ive given up
of all the times i said i give up on us...
this is prolly the onli time its realli happening
i just dun have the strength to fight anymore
and i honestly believe u dun care anymore
and i have realli given up hope
i stop fighting cuz there is nuthing left to fight for

now the hurt is from the missing
from the memories
the betrayal and lies..
but im letting go
not cuz i wan to but cuz i cant hold on anymore
i give up
realli

it hurts
and now that i dun see a way out
no solution
im not trying ure not tryin..
then wat happens?
i realli am scared
will i hurt forever.
why..
so many questions keep swirling in my head
questions and scenarios..
but for now i just push them aside.. cuz i dunwan to cry anymore
i dunwan to fight anymore
wats the point of thinking of them
i just hurt more
i stop fighting cuz i finally accepted that there is no way out that i can accept
im just goin to give up
its not goin to get better

and till now 6 freaking months im still not okie
while for u its been 6 sweet months and all of this has been nuthing but a disturbance to u.. if u even rem it at all.
its hurtful and bordering on embarassing.
why.
i dun wan to be bothered by it anymore
and i think i do a pretty darn good job hiding it.
i cant talk to u about it u make ti pretty obvious.. neither can i talk to U about it.
but i need to just let it out sometimes.. that im not okie
im not okie
but i can do a damn good job pretending that i am
i have been doin it for the 17 years before u came along
i thought those days were over
but no
the wall has to go back up
the facade for everyone
no more being carefree and true..
6 good pampered and spoilt years.
i believed i realli did.
but i was the right one all along

its just goin back..
i grew up with u..
i dunnoe how im goin to reverse all that and grow up all over again
but ive realli lost myself
i dunnoe wat is and is not anymore
but i can go back to being kim.. sure
i dun have a choice.

i give up.

ouch.
it hurts it realli does
i dunnoe how im goin to be okie
but i want to be

this is bad.
im not ready for this.
i havent even got up yet and i fall again.

i dunnoe what to do
i dunnoe how to solve this
i just dunnoe.
i dunnoe what to do.
i dunnoe.

ouch.
i feel so alone and helpless.
i dunnoe how to be okie.
nobody cares.
i can sob all i want.. hurt all i want
but nobody cares.
but i dunnoe how to stop
its too much.

i noe i need to pick myself up
stop whining
grow up
but i dunnoe how
i cant do it.
it hurts so much.
memories of broken empty promises haunt me
i cant let go

is this realli goin to be the story of my life forever
im just one big huge mistake.
always
then wats the point of holding on.

-im done-

it amazing how everything can just go wrong so suddenly.
one moment im happy and hopeful and i think i actually belived that it was goin to get better
but even then i had this nagging feeling at the back of mind telling me that this could all disappear in a moment's notice.. or wo.
i guess i always knew.. story of my life, im almost expecting it already.

and its ok
its goin to be okie this time
with u- im not goin back to last time. im not goin to let u get me down like before. it hurts. it stil hurts like fuck, but this time im not goin to let it get out of hand. it took me so bloody long to get back on track.. well semi on track. and im quite amazed i did. and i noe, if it got to be like before again.. i may not climb back up. and i dun wan to go there. but it stil hurts.. and it will cont to. i cant just forget how it used to be or pretend i dun need that. i need that. and i need u. but all u do is put me down. right now, i realize that wat i want is the past not the u now. the u now can and will only make my life worse. thats all u do. and i cant take another blow. i cant go back there. i wont survive it. and u dun care about all that. i have to care about myself now. i have to make sure it doesnt go there. cuz u.. u will just let it happen all again.. u will never actually care wat happens to me. i noe that now.. the hard way.
with u- i cant belive u kicked me when im down. and i cant believe i let it happen. i cant belive u would do this to me also. to pick myself up form one blow only to put myself up for another. but its not too late. it hurts of cuz.. but i can stil walk away from it. with a few bruises and scrapes, but i can walk away. i just didnt want to walk away. i wanted to belive u, i wanted to stay. but im not goin to make the same mistake again. im done with the both of u, DONE. U dun care about how i feel, what happens to me, if i hurt. its always just wat u feel. and i cant live with that. i dun wan to. i dun need that. and i noe.. i cant take another blow. i have to look out for myself. i have to care about myself. i dunnoe how.. i never had to and i guess i just hoped that u would do it for me. and i thought u did. but i noe better now. its okie. its not ur obligation to care. its no one.

i noe that now. i guess its late.. but hopefully its not too late for me to grow up and grow smart. i need to rem.. REM that nobody cares. people care about themselves.. period. no matter what they say or do or promise, NEVER EVER TRUST. its always only goin to be u and urself. i never believed that, i never wanted to. but i have to. if only just to survive. i dun noe if i can. i dun think i can. but i can try. i dunnoe how and i dunwan to to rely on myself. but how did i get here in the first place... cuz of lies and naivity. well no more. 24 is alil late. but better late than never. i have had rose colored shades on for sometime now. its been almost a fairytale land ive been living in. i never had to solve my own problems, earn my own money, do my own work. it couldnt have lasted forever. but who said i couldnt hope.

its me. the problem is me.
it has to be right.
ive just been too spoilt, too immature, too blind, too stupid, too irresponsible, too lazy...
i just never had to work for anything in my life.
never felt anything was worth it
always felt entitled
always felt that the world owed me
made too many excuses for myself
and i guess having people around me that perpetuate that, protected me from the real probs outside just did me more harm and good.
im sure thats what u think.
and i agree.. it could be true.
but it doesnt make u or u any less of an ass.
at least i am trying to see my mistakes and im trying to change to let go.
what the hell have u done?
oh and im sure its cuz ure always right so theres nuthing for u to change anyways right.
sure.

- finally, rain -

i think im goin to throw up...

its that feeling again.
the sick uncomfortable lump in the throat i try so hard to swallow away
the free flowing tears
it hurts.
im goin to throw up.

its been awhile...
and i had hoped it would last
but that familiar feeling is back again
too soon.
it hurts.

i've worked so hard at being.. ok
just ok
im happy with ok
ok is such a luxury after the last 5 months.
i just want to be ok.
but i dunnoe how.

u probably wont see this in time.
but i wish u were here.
and i realli need u.
but u wont be here for me tom...
and u havent been here for me for awhile.
after wat an ass u have been
im not about to tell u that i miss u and i need u
u noe i wont
but u prob dun care.
and no.. im not goin to the beach tom.

- sick sick sick in the stomach -

call me soon pls call me..
i realli want to get into police now more than ever.
i want to just go into that training camp for nine months.
go into the hectic crazy busy 12 hour shifts everyone is dreading
just totally lose myself in something new, fresh, apart from whatever is goin on in my life now.
having no time to do anything, to meet anyone, to hurt.

i need a clean break. a new start.
even if it means following in my mum's footsteps.
just burying myself in work, busying myself and convincing myself that work is most impt.
i told myself before, many many times that i will never want to be like my mum
to see her, me as a nine year old, bury herself in the mediocrity of work.
numbing herself to everything around her, her cheating husband, her friends, me.
i realize now what little choice she had
and what little choice i have
it almost seems like a refuge.

i will cont to try and just accept the things a cant change.
but im done fighting for those i noe i can.
im just too weak.
i dunnoe wat to do now
i realli am just lost
i have tried everything just to not hurt anymore.
given up, given in, denial, distortion, just plain accepting all the shit thrown at me and try to see the good in it.
but it just keeps coming
i hide it so desperately, but its there.
and its eating me up
this is exactly what i told myself i wouldnt be
i will never let this happen to me
i tried so hard to avoid this
onli to fall so hard and fast into it.
its almost funny.

all the drama. ha ha ha

- broken -

i dun even noe if im pissed off, hurt or whatever...
but i noe for sure im confused.

wat the hell
so i did ask u before i went on to"blow"
but it wasnt even blowing!
i read through again, its more like pleading?

why do u have to respond to me in that tone?
as if ur actions hasnt caused me enough irreversible distress..
and it stilll is
im pleading with u..
giving in
letting go..
telling u ur actions hurt..
and yet u respond by attacking me..
why?!
i dun get it
wat the hell..
why must u respond in such a mean manner..
seriously.. i just dun get it..
am i realli being sensitive.
should i not get affected by it.
but already i am hurt by ur actions.. i try to not be over sensitive so i asked.. but i realli do think ur response was uncalled for.
way to go..
making someone who is already hurt even more hurt.
and wat did i say?!?! i realli dun get it.
tell me
maybe ure right..
there's no point talking about it anymore.
uve obviously moved on and was not the least bit bothered by it in the first place.
so why am i still wasting my efforts on it
i dunnoe why u bother to act like u care when u dun.
i dun get it.
right.. move on kim move on

wat u took 4 years to get over i think ive pretty much covered in 4 months
but hell was it a crash course.
its not over yet.. i noe i'll relapse
but each relapse gets easier and easier to handle
faster to get over
and i learn new ways new thinking that helps
and it kinda motivates me to do better.
to live better
to be happier.
its not easy and its not fun
its a hell lot of tears and mental effort and it tires me out..
emotionally and physically
its like im in therapy..
i'd still rather it didnt happen
but im hoping that it will be a blessing in disguise eventually.

at first i was pissed..
then i was hurt and fighting to not lose us
then i was just severely self pitying and wallowing and being totaly hurt wo the strength to fight for it anymore
then i just gave up and tried to help myself

it got better but than the mourning for the loss came back.. bad
i wondered how i was goin to go on wo it
then i picked myself up and decided i could
now im just hurt about the way u handled it and upset in a sentimental i miss it way.
i guess its a curve.. growing up curve

i guess for 4 years i was happy and lucky
but at the same time i was never contented
i alwasy knew this had to happen
i just didnt have the balls to make it happen
now that it just hit me out of nowhere i guess i was forced to take it
it couls have been handled better
u are an ass.
and i'll prolly spend a long long time trying to let go of that.
but i will
for myself.
for not crying to sleep and waking up to tears
for not wanted to wallow in self pity
for wanting to grow up
for wat i always wanted..
a change.. new begginnings.. wat u could never have fulfilled in my life.

it was special.
and will always be special
but i refuse to be tied down by its "speciality"
i had it, i cherished it, i enjoyed it, i wanted it to change, i mourned its loss and now i will miss it.
but most imptly.. i'll enjoy wats left of it and move on.. good or bad.
i need to rem.. THIS IS WAT I WANTED.

- just keep swimming -