i wish one day i can delete this blog wo regrets and move on to a new one
a happier, more contented one.
one that im at peace with myself
one that is genuine.
this blog is depressing
full of hatred, self contempt, tears, depression, hurt, self pity, regrets, facades, anger, confusion
im lost.
lost for so many years
even the blogging doesnt make sense.
the posts are all negative or fake positive.
its really really sad.
pathetic.
how did it become like this when ive always just tried to NOT let it be like this
the more i try to run away from it the easier it finds me.
its so painfully ironic.
each time i think i can, i may, i will step out of it
it just comes back stronger
everything i did to ensure this would not happen jsut backfired and ensured it did happen.
i do not blame anyone else
only myself
it is me, my life
not fate, or god, or my parents or the people around me
its how i WANTED it to be them, wanted to blame everything and everyone else.
when it was me all the while
and i always knew.
but the fear of that truth threw me into denial
until i can deny it no more
and im scared.
if its me... then is there no hope for change?
if so, then what happens?
i noe i want to try
try to change
i dunnoe how or what to change
but anything would be better?
i want to learn and move on
and emerge emerge victorious
like books and movies do it..
but i noe im not in a book or a fairy tale
so im scared.
im fearful
i fear that this may be it.
this is as good as it gets.
and im not happy.
but i wan to try
and if i fail... at least i tried and i experienced it.
then i'll learn and try again.
i dunnoe where to start.. wat to do.
but if i tried so hard planned so much thought so much all these years only to end up where i troed so hard not to,
then maybe i should just start with trying.. and see where it goes
maybe its better not to noe where im going
not to noe the plan.. the goal...
and hopefull one day, wo even realizing.. i'd be there
and i'll be able to delete this blog
and i would wake up with a smile
happy, content, not knowing why or how it happened
but it wont matter.
i hope.