I Wished...
9:23 PM
Saturday, January 24, 2009
i dun even noe if im pissed off, hurt or whatever...
but i noe for sure im confused.
wat the hell
so i did ask u before i went on to"blow"
but it wasnt even blowing!
i read through again, its more like pleading?
why do u have to respond to me in that tone?
as if ur actions hasnt caused me enough irreversible distress..
and it stilll is
im pleading with u..
giving in
letting go..
telling u ur actions hurt..
and yet u respond by attacking me..
why?!
i dun get it
wat the hell..
why must u respond in such a mean manner..
seriously.. i just dun get it..
am i realli being sensitive.
should i not get affected by it.
but already i am hurt by ur actions.. i try to not be over sensitive so i asked.. but i realli do think ur response was uncalled for.
way to go..
making someone who is already hurt even more hurt.
and wat did i say?!?! i realli dun get it.
tell me
maybe ure right..
there's no point talking about it anymore.
uve obviously moved on and was not the least bit bothered by it in the first place.
so why am i still wasting my efforts on it
i dunnoe why u bother to act like u care when u dun.
i dun get it.
right.. move on kim move on
wat u took 4 years to get over i think ive pretty much covered in 4 months
but hell was it a crash course.
its not over yet.. i noe i'll relapse
but each relapse gets easier and easier to handle
faster to get over
and i learn new ways new thinking that helps
and it kinda motivates me to do better.
to live better
to be happier.
its not easy and its not fun
its a hell lot of tears and mental effort and it tires me out..
emotionally and physically
its like im in therapy..
i'd still rather it didnt happen
but im hoping that it will be a blessing in disguise eventually.
at first i was pissed..
then i was hurt and fighting to not lose us
then i was just severely self pitying and wallowing and being totaly hurt wo the strength to fight for it anymore
then i just gave up and tried to help myself
it got better but than the mourning for the loss came back.. bad
i wondered how i was goin to go on wo it
then i picked myself up and decided i could
now im just hurt about the way u handled it and upset in a sentimental i miss it way.
i guess its a curve.. growing up curve
i guess for 4 years i was happy and lucky
but at the same time i was never contented
i alwasy knew this had to happen
i just didnt have the balls to make it happen
now that it just hit me out of nowhere i guess i was forced to take it
it couls have been handled better
u are an ass.
and i'll prolly spend a long long time trying to let go of that.
but i will
for myself.
for not crying to sleep and waking up to tears
for not wanted to wallow in self pity
for wanting to grow up
for wat i always wanted..
a change.. new begginnings.. wat u could never have fulfilled in my life.
it was special.
and will always be special
but i refuse to be tied down by its "speciality"
i had it, i cherished it, i enjoyed it, i wanted it to change, i mourned its loss and now i will miss it.
but most imptly.. i'll enjoy wats left of it and move on.. good or bad.
i need to rem.. THIS IS WAT I WANTED.
- just keep swimming -
1:34 PM
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
i hate waking up to tears.
enough.
i dunwan to feel like that anymore.
just tears
and crying alone in my room.
day after day
its become a norm
it hurts
i feel like ive lost contact with myself.
its just me and hurt.
ive forgotten what it feels like to not want to cry.
just to be ok..
make it go away
pls.
- ouch -
11:44 AM
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
i feel realli horrible.
realli realli bad.
that realli tense, uncomfortable feeling at the back of ur throat, tears threatening to spill out any moment. i cansantly feel that way.
i hate it.
i din expect it to come back so soon
i thought i gotten over the worse period.
but now..
its like double.
not onli it hasnt been resolved
its just been made worse.
its all cumulative.
i hate it.
hate it.
why do i feel that its everyone else against me.
why is it never anyone else's fault always mine.
is it realli my prob?
but ive changed so much already
i dunnoe wat else to do.
if its realli still me then so be it
i cant be me if i change anymore
if its realli my prob then just leave me the hell alone.
im just never good enough
for u u tell me to let go.. i did. i realli did.
but still u put judgments on my actions using the past.
tats not fair
then i can never win
then wats the point of trying
for u i've tried so hard to change
constant compromising
ive never been this nice to anyone.
ya maybe its not the best anyone can do..
but its the best i can
if its not good enough then im sorry.. im not the one for u
but wat about urself?
are u good enough? did u ever try to do ur best?
i cant be the onli one trying.
im tired very tired.
this is just not impt enough for u.
u cant have the best of both worlds.. decide wat u want before u promise me anything.
u cant have everything..
COMPROMISE
enough is enough.. if it conts.. dun expect me to take any of ur shit anymore.
5 months... its just not goin to get better
its just spiraling out of control
no matter how hard i try to make it better
was it too little too late.
it realli hurts.
i dunnoe how to cont.. to go on.
i hate the dreams that i have
but i hate waking up even more.
everything is just spiraling out of control again
i dunwan to go back to 2 months
but it feels like its coming back but worse.
im realli terrified.
i dunnoe wat to do.
i dunne how to cont from here.
i dunnoe anything.
i cant on my own. i just cant
im trying realli..
why must all of u make it so difficult.
everything just crashing at one go.
EVERYTHING.
everything i tried so hard to make better.
effort i actually put in.
its not true.
u can try and try again.. but it can never be okie.
wats the point
i give up.
yes im weak.
bite me. oh wait.. u dun even care enough to.
- salt water-
3:57 PM
Monday, January 19, 2009
seriously.. i dun get it.
i realli dun understand.
i tried to make it work
i realli tried.
i just keep trying
but its so hard when it feels liek ure the onli one trying
i dunnoe wat else to do anymore.
its always my fault
and im alwasy not good enough
everyone else just thinks that hey cant do more already
but wat have u done?!
seriously tell me.
its just not worth fighting for to u.
its easier to just blame me.
ure realli selfish
u dun care that im upset
that u hurt me
its never ever ur fault
just walk away
go ahead.
do wat u do best
u want to be alone
then why tell me u care?!
u cannot accept another person in ur life.
onli u and u alone is important.
everything is always about u
ur feelings, ur goals, ur needs, ur wants, ur own happiness
when have u realli cared about me?!
u onli noe how to be alone, u push me away and blame me for it?!
u dun understand wat love is
then dun use it
fucking liar.
never should have trusted any of u.
esp u...
u noe how vulnerable i am after everything
and yet...
u tell me to trust u.
tell me u care
for wat..
just dun tell me!
best part is..
im sure u dun think u did anything wrong
its always my fault cuz im a bitch.. right?!
prissy, unreasonable, high maintanance..
and u?!
every thought if its possibly ur fault at all.
or wait.. ure perfect.
u cant do more then ure doin..
wat the hell have u done?!
i cant believe i let this happen again.
so fucking stupid
but u.. argh!
how can u do this to me.
wat do all of u want from me.
not to feel anything?!
i cant.
im trying..
i dunnoe how.
it just realli hurts.
why...
-hurts-
3:17 PM
u realli dun care.
u also realli dun care.
and i noe for sure u and u definitely dun care.
but u?!
pls lah.. dun be an ass.
i dun need it.
stop making me cry.. all of u!
dun tell me u care and act like an ass.
just dun tell me u care
it hurts more.
pls!
i realli gotta smarten up.
i just dun see it
i dun get it
and i just keep getting hurt.
and it realli hurts.
-enough-
11:19 PM
Sunday, January 18, 2009
im not happy.
im extremely not happy.
i dunnoe wat to do about it.
i realli dunwan to cry anymore.
why do u u u and u all treat me like that.
realli
do u realli not realize that i have feelings too
its not ALWAYS ABOUT U
i wan to say shout scream cry out loud..
but im too tired.
i rather just give up.
my patience is realli being tested to the limit.
- not much longer -
2:13 AM
Saturday, January 10, 2009
i guess... i am getting used to it.
i guess... i just got too tired, disappointed, hopeless to cont fighting.
i guess... it realli does take 2 to clap. and so far im just hitting the thin air.
so...
im goin to be okie.
im goin to be me again.
yay
this is always wat i wanted.. not the way i wanted it to happen but i was a bitch to u so fine.
6 years.
goodbye.
- good things to come -
12:35 AM
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
its so difficult.im trying.but its really so god damn farking difficult.the worse part is...i feel like im the only one trying.so why do i try?!tell me again..so im prissy, spoilt, demanding, unreasonable, paranoid, overly sensitive, not attentive or caring enough...and somemore?add to it.. i'd love to hear it.it has to me.not u or u.. never.it has to be me.i just love being upset and i love to wallow.heck its my god damn fav past timeso much so i indulge in it everydayjust because i love that feeling.suretell urself thatall of u.im pissed offconfuseddisappointedbetrayedsentimentalcluelessflabbergastedpetrifiedaloneall wrapped in one big ball of blubber.tell me it cant worse.A-R-G-H!!!- let it go kim -
7:25 PM
Sunday, January 04, 2009
so finally ive gotten around to changing the skin..
i guess it does signify a new beginning of sorts
but those who know me will noe the skin looks exactly like wat i would have picked.. always.
well.. new beginning OF SORTS i said.
some things just dun change =)
like how im still to fuck lazy to blog.
but i will soon.
starting with NEW YEAR'S resolutions.
im sure those will fall in after the new year has long passed..
its been 5 months since my life has been turned topsy turvy..
but i guess its been boiling for years and i have to face it sooner or later
and in this 5 months so many things have happened.. new people, new mindsets, new friends, new lifestyle.. heck.. whole new beginning OF SORTS =)
its will turn out for the better..
i insist.
- back to one -