I Wished...
10:02 PM
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraidI'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of youI learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of youI tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's
emptyBecause of you
I am afraid
Because of you Because of you
-- when will the tears stop coming --
recently.. i felt lucky..
fer awhile.
fer sumthings.. fer sum people.
i saw that others arent having a ball either..
people i care abt.
and i felt so stupid fer being so self absorbed in my own stupid lil problems.
when a fren was in need..
more than i was.
but right now.
i realized that im the one that's truely alone.
i dun haf a right to feel sorrie fer aneone.
i cant even find myself.
its not juz abt
u.. (although a huge part of it is)
its not juz abt u either..
and its not juz abt u..
or u.. and u.
its abt ALL OF U..
everything..
and its abt
ME.if there's even a me anemore..
its abt this whole god damn excuse fer a life ive been living..
it shld never haf been in the first place..
why shld it be ane different now?
NONE OF U GET IT.-- HOPE. cherish it. realize its not a given. --
1:40 PM
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
i noe why i had that feeling of dread and doom.
cuz deep down inside i knew it was a sooner or later thing..
things will nv be alright..
it will nv go back to b4..
i will nv smile like b4 again.
i was right..
although it was fun being in denial fer 1.5 weeks.
but it finally became too apparent fer me to ignore.
im an idiot.
i realli am..
time and time again.
i NEVER learn.
when will i finally get it that u'll nv change.
ure just like that.
and it disgusts me to the core.
YOU sicken me.
but i cant help gettin affected by u.
why am i sucha IDIOT.?!
what do u get out of this?
why do u do it?
i dun understand.
i realli dun.
i juz wanna noe WHY.
seriously, how do u live w urself.
im no saint.
but wat u are is juz sadistic.
and worse of all..
ure a master at acting as though nuthing's wrong.
shirking all respondsibilities.
GROW UP.. be a human being fer once.
im not the first to hafta go thru this cuz of u.
it cant be ALL of us can it?!
think abt it u sick bitch.
right now.. i dun even noe if im hurt furious or juz plain disgusted.
i think its all 3 plus more.
i cant even think str8 cuz of all this horrible emotions.
i cant live right..
i hope its worth it fer u.
dun regret it.
-- stop thinking abt ur own fucking narcissistic self fer once and see that other pple haf feelings too.--
-- face it fer once.. stop making me pay fer ur own bloody mistakes--
-- as i noe it, everything is already a lie. juz sae sumthing, mean it and stick to it. 2 faced bastard--
10:06 PM
Saturday, October 22, 2005
i dunnoe wat's come over me..
this feeling of dread and doom..
well, yah, havent been able to smile and laugh genuinely fer a while..
but this is.. i dunnoe, weird.
things arent getting worse.
in fact.. from an outsiders point of view.. its getting better.
and i shld be considered lucky?
but i dunnoe why..
sumthings doesnt feel right.
and im juz waiting fer things to come crashing down again.
wat's the word fer wat im feeling..
hmm..
oh yah.. vulnerability.
that's it.
juz feeling so vulnerable.. and alone.
ure right.. ultimately we're alone in this world.
so its not like im at a disadvantage or anething.
ive juz been in disillusion fer too long.
looking thru the rose tainted glasses u gave me..
the word 'care'.
overused but underrated
wat is its true meaning..?
i dunnoe anemore.
if i never had it.. i wun miss it.
screw myself.
im so full of crap.
i need to grow up.. realli realli.
--is it realli better to have loved then to have never loved at all? right now.. i realli dunnoe--
4:59 PM
Thursday, October 20, 2005
taken over by exhaustion.
good.
headache better then heartache.
still.. WAT THE FUCK.!
bloody asses!
extend the dateline afta i stayed up to finish my paper.
gonna give myself a break todae.
skipped lect.
no work tonight.
tom then start on ANOTHER paper due on mondae.
right now, something that yv said comes to mind
"pple not majoring in soci must be out of their mind to take this module"
yah.. i must be out of my mind.
as usual.
--do u realli care?--
12:10 AM
okie.. im bogged down by sch work.
its not a good feeling..
but its actually a refreshing change from b4.
yes.. im bloody stressed up..
i failed one test.. skipped almost all my lects the past 3 weeks.
haf no idea wat to do fer the 2 papers due soon.
and haf exactly17 hrs to the dateline of my SN 3000 words paper.
and im blogging..
great.
still... this beats wat ive been so depressed about in the past month.
wow.. a month..
it's been a month.
amazing how time CANT heal everything.
but it makes it easier to numb myself.
okie i need to do my paper.
did i juz sae that?! gross...
-- tulips, drawings, ice cream, piggy.--
11:40 PM
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
todae din go well..
like it started off fine..
but things juz got worse.
seriously, wat's w the attitude.
i noe u haf ur problems and stuff to deal w.
but wat's w giving me the attitude like so frequently.
its been a realli bad dae fer me..
and toking to u abt it wld haf realli helped.
but i guess not.
its wearing me out.
go.. deal w ur problems. i wun add ane un-needed worries fer u.
this is not the first time.
and i always try to like act all happy and cheery fer u.
when inside im like trying not to cry.
but still...?
fer wat.
im very tired lah.
and i tried.
yah okie.. i guess i dun haf a right to complain oso.
ferget it then.
i dun need this.
-- i do care--
11:33 AM
Sunday, October 16, 2005
i dunnoe u..
it scares me.
right now.
im totally wallowing in self pity.
why..
i cant sae now.
but soon.
why did i come to noe the word loneliness so god damn well.
spiraling into darkness again.
-- i dunnoe wat to do and think anemore--
12:50 PM
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
its still wrng..
feels wrng..
very wrng.
and it bloody hurts
i noe..
its been so many weeks
get over it already.
but i cant.
it still bloody hurts.
i hate it.
now.. there's more stuff
like new stuff..
u noe ? when it rains it pours.
there haf been shelters along the way..
but now i feel like they're juz temporary ones.
at the end of the dae..
im still by myself.
soaking wet.
-- wat happened to 'i will lend u my shoulders to hold on to'--
12:44 PM
Sunday, October 09, 2005
8 october
8 october
8 october...
given a 2nd chance.
fer me.. and fer u.
but i dun even dare to hope anemore..
been there done that.. failed miserably.
now what?
onli u noe.
--do u finally get it? i need to noe--
10:22 AM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
im so so tired..
its not true that when there's a will there's a way..
i believe i had the will.. to keep on trying.. fer so long.. but i dun see any way.
now im juz so so tired and exhausted..
its beyond my will to control anemore..
its beyond me to even try to deal w the pain..
and when it happens.. and i NOE it will happen..
i'll b e helpless.. cuz i dun hav the means anemore to defend myself in anyway
do u noe that feeling? the fear.. hw intense it is..
the fear of noeing that the pain will take over me and i cant do anetin abt it but juz to feel it.. feel in in its full extent.. noeing nuthing can make it go away.t
but im realli too tired to try..
if i stop.. will u cont to try?
=============================
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
============================
--will u rem wat u promised me?--
9:21 PM
Sunday, October 02, 2005
im juz trying to leave this 3 weeks behind me..
TRYING.. that's the key word.
i think if i can ever put this behind me..
and walk out of this without losing myself
i now i'll be a better, stronger more mature person.
i learnt so much abt myself..
and alot of it suprised me..
i oso learnt alot abt u.. and abt us..
it suprised me too.. but im not sure i like wat i see.
i juz wan this to be over..
fer things to return to normal..
i juz wan to be able to smile again..
but fer now..
it still bloordy hurts like fuck..
and i dun even noe wat to do abt it..
cuz there's nuthing i can do.. it all up to u.
pls pls pls... try not to hurt me anemore.
dun be an asshole.. to sumone u sae gives meaning to ur life.
cuz one dae.. when it all gets too much
and when i can no longer help myself.. i will give up.. not on u, but on myself.
--why cant i stop being a fucking idiot--