I Wished...
10:32 PM
Monday, March 02, 2009
phew.. i noe its stupid i din realize earlier
but now i can blog..
realli BLOG
for myself.
why was my day hard?
u dun wan to noe
even if u did u wont care
and u wont be knowing
wats the point of telling u it hurts
just to hurt more seeing that u dun care it hurts
or to hurt more knowing u honestly dun see it or think it should hurt..
and why dun u see it..?
cuz uve changed, cuz u stopped caring and u din even noe u stopped.
cuz it diff.
cuz we're diff
sometimes i think back and it feels like a dream..
like it never happened
but the then tears coming flowing out so freely that i noe for sure it was real
cuz the pain is.
like the tears that are rolling down my cheeks
im getting better at this
i smile at u when it hurts
i joke when it hurts
when i feel the pain and anger coming out i can control the tears and hold it all in
till im alone
and i can hide it all and pretend much faster than before.
i dunnoe how else to do it
this feeling is all so familliar
its wat i thought i never had to do again
cuz u told me to trust u and i did.
im still angry and hurt
im still unable to let go of the betrayal
and i noe u dun think u did
and i noe no matter wat i feel that hurts u wont ever see it much less understand it
so i give up
i give up
ure gone.
and ure happy wo me.. and us.
u are okie with it
i never thought u would be okie with it
but u are.
u bloody fucking liar.
thats the anger
ure the onli one i will ever let in
thats the hurt
i thought we were goin to be the most special forever cuz u said it
thats the regret
which reminds me of all the lies and betrayal of the promises u made
thats the anger pain and regret
thats wat so hard to get over.
i miss us so much...
so much
i feel so stupid missing it.
missing lies.
why
i realli just wan to noe why
why did u do this to me?
u noe i cant take a blow like this.
u noe.
u noe... onli u noe.
i onli let u noe.
once again tonight
i cry my eyes out in the shower
wipe away stray tears
take a deep breath
block every emotion out just to stop the pain
and tell myself, its goin to be okie.
im goin to be okie
i can be better. i will be.
but deep inside i noe that i dunnoe how to
i never had to do it alone.
i never had to worry
i never had to look out for myself
i never had to be okie
i dunnoe how to.
but i have to.
nobody cares kim.
u knew that
u were just stupid
and u just wanted so much to trust.
u trusted wrong.
but it will be okie...
just stop caring. about everything
u may be happy one day
maybe.
11:30 PM
Sunday, March 01, 2009
it hurts it still hurts
u see the hehes and the hahas thats all
but im not laughing
not smiling
its still hurts.
i change the subject
i make a fool of myself acting bimbotic
i insult u
i poke ur face
i pretend im ok
i pretend
it is def easier
but it more like ive given up
of all the times i said i give up on us...
this is prolly the onli time its realli happening
i just dun have the strength to fight anymore
and i honestly believe u dun care anymore
and i have realli given up hope
i stop fighting cuz there is nuthing left to fight for
now the hurt is from the missing
from the memories
the betrayal and lies..
but im letting go
not cuz i wan to but cuz i cant hold on anymore
i give up
realli
it hurts
and now that i dun see a way out
no solution
im not trying ure not tryin..
then wat happens?
i realli am scared
will i hurt forever.
why..
so many questions keep swirling in my head
questions and scenarios..
but for now i just push them aside.. cuz i dunwan to cry anymore
i dunwan to fight anymore
wats the point of thinking of them
i just hurt more
i stop fighting cuz i finally accepted that there is no way out that i can accept
im just goin to give up
its not goin to get better
and till now 6 freaking months im still not okie
while for u its been 6 sweet months and all of this has been nuthing but a disturbance to u.. if u even rem it at all.
its hurtful and bordering on embarassing.
why.
i dun wan to be bothered by it anymore
and i think i do a pretty darn good job hiding it.
i cant talk to u about it u make ti pretty obvious.. neither can i talk to U about it.
but i need to just let it out sometimes.. that im not okie
im not okie
but i can do a damn good job pretending that i am
i have been doin it for the 17 years before u came along
i thought those days were over
but no
the wall has to go back up
the facade for everyone
no more being carefree and true..
6 good pampered and spoilt years.
i believed i realli did.
but i was the right one all along
its just goin back..
i grew up with u..
i dunnoe how im goin to reverse all that and grow up all over again
but ive realli lost myself
i dunnoe wat is and is not anymore
but i can go back to being kim.. sure
i dun have a choice.
i give up.