p|nk p|ush cush|ons

2009-07-23T20:15:00.002+08:00

i wish one day i can delete this blog wo regrets and move on to a new one
a happier, more contented one.
one that im at peace with myself
one that is genuine.

this blog is depressing
full of hatred, self contempt, tears, depression, hurt, self pity, regrets, facades, anger, confusion
im lost.
lost for so many years
even the blogging doesnt make sense.
the posts are all negative or fake positive.
its really really sad.
pathetic.

how did it become like this when ive always just tried to NOT let it be like this
the more i try to run away from it the easier it finds me.
its so painfully ironic.
each time i think i can, i may, i will step out of it
it just comes back stronger
everything i did to ensure this would not happen jsut backfired and ensured it did happen.

i do not blame anyone else
only myself
it is me, my life
not fate, or god, or my parents or the people around me
its how i WANTED it to be them, wanted to blame everything and everyone else.
when it was me all the while
and i always knew.
but the fear of that truth threw me into denial
until i can deny it no more
and im scared.
if its me... then is there no hope for change?
if so, then what happens?

i noe i want to try
try to change
i dunnoe how or what to change
but anything would be better?
i want to learn and move on
and emerge emerge victorious
like books and movies do it..
but i noe im not in a book or a fairy tale
so im scared.
im fearful
i fear that this may be it.
this is as good as it gets.
and im not happy.
but i wan to try
and if i fail... at least i tried and i experienced it.
then i'll learn and try again.
i dunnoe where to start.. wat to do.
but if i tried so hard planned so much thought so much all these years only to end up where i troed so hard not to,
then maybe i should just start with trying.. and see where it goes
maybe its better not to noe where im going
not to noe the plan.. the goal...
and hopefull one day, wo even realizing.. i'd be there

and i'll be able to delete this blog
and i would wake up with a smile
happy, content, not knowing why or how it happened
but it wont matter.
i hope.

2009-03-02T22:32:00.002+08:00

phew.. i noe its stupid i din realize earlier
but now i can blog..
realli BLOG
for myself.

why was my day hard?
u dun wan to noe
even if u did u wont care
and u wont be knowing

wats the point of telling u it hurts
just to hurt more seeing that u dun care it hurts
or to hurt more knowing u honestly dun see it or think it should hurt..
and why dun u see it..?
cuz uve changed, cuz u stopped caring and u din even noe u stopped.
cuz it diff.
cuz we're diff

sometimes i think back and it feels like a dream..
like it never happened
but the then tears coming flowing out so freely that i noe for sure it was real
cuz the pain is.
like the tears that are rolling down my cheeks

im getting better at this
i smile at u when it hurts
i joke when it hurts
when i feel the pain and anger coming out i can control the tears and hold it all in
till im alone
and i can hide it all and pretend much faster than before.
i dunnoe how else to do it

this feeling is all so familliar
its wat i thought i never had to do again
cuz u told me to trust u and i did.

im still angry and hurt
im still unable to let go of the betrayal
and i noe u dun think u did
and i noe no matter wat i feel that hurts u wont ever see it much less understand it
so i give up
i give up
ure gone.
and ure happy wo me.. and us.
u are okie with it
i never thought u would be okie with it
but u are.

u bloody fucking liar.
thats the anger
ure the onli one i will ever let in
thats the hurt
i thought we were goin to be the most special forever cuz u said it
thats the regret
which reminds me of all the lies and betrayal of the promises u made
thats the anger pain and regret
thats wat so hard to get over.

i miss us so much...
so much
i feel so stupid missing it.
missing lies.
why
i realli just wan to noe why
why did u do this to me?

u noe i cant take a blow like this.
u noe.
u noe... onli u noe.
i onli let u noe.

once again tonight
i cry my eyes out in the shower
wipe away stray tears
take a deep breath
block every emotion out just to stop the pain
and tell myself, its goin to be okie.
im goin to be okie
i can be better. i will be.
but deep inside i noe that i dunnoe how to
i never had to do it alone.
i never had to worry
i never had to look out for myself
i never had to be okie
i dunnoe how to.
but i have to.
nobody cares kim.
u knew that
u were just stupid
and u just wanted so much to trust.
u trusted wrong.
but it will be okie...
just stop caring. about everything
u may be happy one day
maybe.

2009-03-01T23:30:00.002+08:00

it hurts it still hurts
u see the hehes and the hahas thats all

but im not laughing
not smiling

its still hurts.
i change the subject
i make a fool of myself acting bimbotic
i insult u
i poke ur face
i pretend im ok
i pretend

it is def easier
but it more like ive given up
of all the times i said i give up on us...
this is prolly the onli time its realli happening
i just dun have the strength to fight anymore
and i honestly believe u dun care anymore
and i have realli given up hope
i stop fighting cuz there is nuthing left to fight for

now the hurt is from the missing
from the memories
the betrayal and lies..
but im letting go
not cuz i wan to but cuz i cant hold on anymore
i give up
realli

it hurts
and now that i dun see a way out
no solution
im not trying ure not tryin..
then wat happens?
i realli am scared
will i hurt forever.
why..
so many questions keep swirling in my head
questions and scenarios..
but for now i just push them aside.. cuz i dunwan to cry anymore
i dunwan to fight anymore
wats the point of thinking of them
i just hurt more
i stop fighting cuz i finally accepted that there is no way out that i can accept
im just goin to give up
its not goin to get better

and till now 6 freaking months im still not okie
while for u its been 6 sweet months and all of this has been nuthing but a disturbance to u.. if u even rem it at all.
its hurtful and bordering on embarassing.
why.
i dun wan to be bothered by it anymore
and i think i do a pretty darn good job hiding it.
i cant talk to u about it u make ti pretty obvious.. neither can i talk to U about it.
but i need to just let it out sometimes.. that im not okie
im not okie
but i can do a damn good job pretending that i am
i have been doin it for the 17 years before u came along
i thought those days were over
but no
the wall has to go back up
the facade for everyone
no more being carefree and true..
6 good pampered and spoilt years.
i believed i realli did.
but i was the right one all along

its just goin back..
i grew up with u..
i dunnoe how im goin to reverse all that and grow up all over again
but ive realli lost myself
i dunnoe wat is and is not anymore
but i can go back to being kim.. sure
i dun have a choice.

i give up.

2009-02-22T00:59:00.002+08:00

ouch.
it hurts it realli does
i dunnoe how im goin to be okie
but i want to be

this is bad.
im not ready for this.
i havent even got up yet and i fall again.

i dunnoe what to do
i dunnoe how to solve this
i just dunnoe.
i dunnoe what to do.
i dunnoe.

ouch.
i feel so alone and helpless.
i dunnoe how to be okie.
nobody cares.
i can sob all i want.. hurt all i want
but nobody cares.
but i dunnoe how to stop
its too much.

i noe i need to pick myself up
stop whining
grow up
but i dunnoe how
i cant do it.
it hurts so much.
memories of broken empty promises haunt me
i cant let go

is this realli goin to be the story of my life forever
im just one big huge mistake.
always
then wats the point of holding on.

-im done-

2009-02-21T16:45:00.002+08:00

it amazing how everything can just go wrong so suddenly.
one moment im happy and hopeful and i think i actually belived that it was goin to get better
but even then i had this nagging feeling at the back of mind telling me that this could all disappear in a moment's notice.. or wo.
i guess i always knew.. story of my life, im almost expecting it already.

and its ok
its goin to be okie this time
with u- im not goin back to last time. im not goin to let u get me down like before. it hurts. it stil hurts like fuck, but this time im not goin to let it get out of hand. it took me so bloody long to get back on track.. well semi on track. and im quite amazed i did. and i noe, if it got to be like before again.. i may not climb back up. and i dun wan to go there. but it stil hurts.. and it will cont to. i cant just forget how it used to be or pretend i dun need that. i need that. and i need u. but all u do is put me down. right now, i realize that wat i want is the past not the u now. the u now can and will only make my life worse. thats all u do. and i cant take another blow. i cant go back there. i wont survive it. and u dun care about all that. i have to care about myself now. i have to make sure it doesnt go there. cuz u.. u will just let it happen all again.. u will never actually care wat happens to me. i noe that now.. the hard way.
with u- i cant belive u kicked me when im down. and i cant believe i let it happen. i cant belive u would do this to me also. to pick myself up form one blow only to put myself up for another. but its not too late. it hurts of cuz.. but i can stil walk away from it. with a few bruises and scrapes, but i can walk away. i just didnt want to walk away. i wanted to belive u, i wanted to stay. but im not goin to make the same mistake again. im done with the both of u, DONE. U dun care about how i feel, what happens to me, if i hurt. its always just wat u feel. and i cant live with that. i dun wan to. i dun need that. and i noe.. i cant take another blow. i have to look out for myself. i have to care about myself. i dunnoe how.. i never had to and i guess i just hoped that u would do it for me. and i thought u did. but i noe better now. its okie. its not ur obligation to care. its no one.

i noe that now. i guess its late.. but hopefully its not too late for me to grow up and grow smart. i need to rem.. REM that nobody cares. people care about themselves.. period. no matter what they say or do or promise, NEVER EVER TRUST. its always only goin to be u and urself. i never believed that, i never wanted to. but i have to. if only just to survive. i dun noe if i can. i dun think i can. but i can try. i dunnoe how and i dunwan to to rely on myself. but how did i get here in the first place... cuz of lies and naivity. well no more. 24 is alil late. but better late than never. i have had rose colored shades on for sometime now. its been almost a fairytale land ive been living in. i never had to solve my own problems, earn my own money, do my own work. it couldnt have lasted forever. but who said i couldnt hope.

its me. the problem is me.
it has to be right.
ive just been too spoilt, too immature, too blind, too stupid, too irresponsible, too lazy...
i just never had to work for anything in my life.
never felt anything was worth it
always felt entitled
always felt that the world owed me
made too many excuses for myself
and i guess having people around me that perpetuate that, protected me from the real probs outside just did me more harm and good.
im sure thats what u think.
and i agree.. it could be true.
but it doesnt make u or u any less of an ass.
at least i am trying to see my mistakes and im trying to change to let go.
what the hell have u done?
oh and im sure its cuz ure always right so theres nuthing for u to change anyways right.
sure.

- finally, rain -

2009-02-21T01:09:00.002+08:00

i think im goin to throw up...

its that feeling again.
the sick uncomfortable lump in the throat i try so hard to swallow away
the free flowing tears
it hurts.
im goin to throw up.

its been awhile...
and i had hoped it would last
but that familiar feeling is back again
too soon.
it hurts.

i've worked so hard at being.. ok
just ok
im happy with ok
ok is such a luxury after the last 5 months.
i just want to be ok.
but i dunnoe how.

u probably wont see this in time.
but i wish u were here.
and i realli need u.
but u wont be here for me tom...
and u havent been here for me for awhile.
after wat an ass u have been
im not about to tell u that i miss u and i need u
u noe i wont
but u prob dun care.
and no.. im not goin to the beach tom.

- sick sick sick in the stomach -

2009-02-05T12:44:00.002+08:00

call me soon pls call me..
i realli want to get into police now more than ever.
i want to just go into that training camp for nine months.
go into the hectic crazy busy 12 hour shifts everyone is dreading
just totally lose myself in something new, fresh, apart from whatever is goin on in my life now.
having no time to do anything, to meet anyone, to hurt.

i need a clean break. a new start.
even if it means following in my mum's footsteps.
just burying myself in work, busying myself and convincing myself that work is most impt.
i told myself before, many many times that i will never want to be like my mum
to see her, me as a nine year old, bury herself in the mediocrity of work.
numbing herself to everything around her, her cheating husband, her friends, me.
i realize now what little choice she had
and what little choice i have
it almost seems like a refuge.

i will cont to try and just accept the things a cant change.
but im done fighting for those i noe i can.
im just too weak.
i dunnoe wat to do now
i realli am just lost
i have tried everything just to not hurt anymore.
given up, given in, denial, distortion, just plain accepting all the shit thrown at me and try to see the good in it.
but it just keeps coming
i hide it so desperately, but its there.
and its eating me up
this is exactly what i told myself i wouldnt be
i will never let this happen to me
i tried so hard to avoid this
onli to fall so hard and fast into it.
its almost funny.

all the drama. ha ha ha

- broken -

2009-01-24T21:23:00.003+08:00

i dun even noe if im pissed off, hurt or whatever...
but i noe for sure im confused.

wat the hell
so i did ask u before i went on to"blow"
but it wasnt even blowing!
i read through again, its more like pleading?

why do u have to respond to me in that tone?
as if ur actions hasnt caused me enough irreversible distress..
and it stilll is
im pleading with u..
giving in
letting go..
telling u ur actions hurt..
and yet u respond by attacking me..
why?!
i dun get it
wat the hell..
why must u respond in such a mean manner..
seriously.. i just dun get it..
am i realli being sensitive.
should i not get affected by it.
but already i am hurt by ur actions.. i try to not be over sensitive so i asked.. but i realli do think ur response was uncalled for.
way to go..
making someone who is already hurt even more hurt.
and wat did i say?!?! i realli dun get it.
tell me
maybe ure right..
there's no point talking about it anymore.
uve obviously moved on and was not the least bit bothered by it in the first place.
so why am i still wasting my efforts on it
i dunnoe why u bother to act like u care when u dun.
i dun get it.
right.. move on kim move on

wat u took 4 years to get over i think ive pretty much covered in 4 months
but hell was it a crash course.
its not over yet.. i noe i'll relapse
but each relapse gets easier and easier to handle
faster to get over
and i learn new ways new thinking that helps
and it kinda motivates me to do better.
to live better
to be happier.
its not easy and its not fun
its a hell lot of tears and mental effort and it tires me out..
emotionally and physically
its like im in therapy..
i'd still rather it didnt happen
but im hoping that it will be a blessing in disguise eventually.

at first i was pissed..
then i was hurt and fighting to not lose us
then i was just severely self pitying and wallowing and being totaly hurt wo the strength to fight for it anymore
then i just gave up and tried to help myself

it got better but than the mourning for the loss came back.. bad
i wondered how i was goin to go on wo it
then i picked myself up and decided i could
now im just hurt about the way u handled it and upset in a sentimental i miss it way.
i guess its a curve.. growing up curve

i guess for 4 years i was happy and lucky
but at the same time i was never contented
i alwasy knew this had to happen
i just didnt have the balls to make it happen
now that it just hit me out of nowhere i guess i was forced to take it
it couls have been handled better
u are an ass.
and i'll prolly spend a long long time trying to let go of that.
but i will
for myself.
for not crying to sleep and waking up to tears
for not wanted to wallow in self pity
for wanting to grow up
for wat i always wanted..
a change.. new begginnings.. wat u could never have fulfilled in my life.

it was special.
and will always be special
but i refuse to be tied down by its "speciality"
i had it, i cherished it, i enjoyed it, i wanted it to change, i mourned its loss and now i will miss it.
but most imptly.. i'll enjoy wats left of it and move on.. good or bad.
i need to rem.. THIS IS WAT I WANTED.

- just keep swimming -

2009-01-21T13:34:00.003+08:00

i hate waking up to tears.
enough.

i dunwan to feel like that anymore.
just tears
and crying alone in my room.
day after day
its become a norm
it hurts
i feel like ive lost contact with myself.
its just me and hurt.
ive forgotten what it feels like to not want to cry.
just to be ok..

make it go away
pls.

- ouch -

2009-01-20T11:44:00.002+08:00

i feel realli horrible.
realli realli bad.
that realli tense, uncomfortable feeling at the back of ur throat, tears threatening to spill out any moment. i cansantly feel that way.
i hate it.
i din expect it to come back so soon
i thought i gotten over the worse period.
but now..
its like double.
not onli it hasnt been resolved
its just been made worse.
its all cumulative.
i hate it.
hate it.

why do i feel that its everyone else against me.
why is it never anyone else's fault always mine.
is it realli my prob?
but ive changed so much already
i dunnoe wat else to do.
if its realli still me then so be it
i cant be me if i change anymore
if its realli my prob then just leave me the hell alone.
im just never good enough

for u u tell me to let go.. i did. i realli did.
but still u put judgments on my actions using the past.
tats not fair
then i can never win
then wats the point of trying

for u i've tried so hard to change
constant compromising
ive never been this nice to anyone.
ya maybe its not the best anyone can do..
but its the best i can
if its not good enough then im sorry.. im not the one for u
but wat about urself?
are u good enough? did u ever try to do ur best?
i cant be the onli one trying.
im tired very tired.
this is just not impt enough for u.
u cant have the best of both worlds.. decide wat u want before u promise me anything.
u cant have everything..
COMPROMISE
enough is enough.. if it conts.. dun expect me to take any of ur shit anymore.

5 months... its just not goin to get better
its just spiraling out of control
no matter how hard i try to make it better
was it too little too late.

it realli hurts.
i dunnoe how to cont.. to go on.
i hate the dreams that i have
but i hate waking up even more.
everything is just spiraling out of control again
i dunwan to go back to 2 months
but it feels like its coming back but worse.
im realli terrified.
i dunnoe wat to do.
i dunne how to cont from here.
i dunnoe anything.
i cant on my own. i just cant
im trying realli..
why must all of u make it so difficult.

everything just crashing at one go.
EVERYTHING.
everything i tried so hard to make better.
effort i actually put in.
its not true.
u can try and try again.. but it can never be okie.
wats the point
i give up.
yes im weak.
bite me. oh wait.. u dun even care enough to.

- salt water-

2009-01-19T15:57:00.003+08:00

seriously.. i dun get it.
i realli dun understand.

i tried to make it work
i realli tried.
i just keep trying
but its so hard when it feels liek ure the onli one trying
i dunnoe wat else to do anymore.

its always my fault
and im alwasy not good enough
everyone else just thinks that hey cant do more already
but wat have u done?!

seriously tell me.
its just not worth fighting for to u.

its easier to just blame me.
ure realli selfish

u dun care that im upset
that u hurt me
its never ever ur fault
just walk away
go ahead.
do wat u do best

u want to be alone
then why tell me u care?!
u cannot accept another person in ur life.
onli u and u alone is important.
everything is always about u
ur feelings, ur goals, ur needs, ur wants, ur own happiness
when have u realli cared about me?!
u onli noe how to be alone, u push me away and blame me for it?!
u dun understand wat love is
then dun use it
fucking liar.

never should have trusted any of u.
esp u...
u noe how vulnerable i am after everything
and yet...
u tell me to trust u.
tell me u care
for wat..
just dun tell me!

best part is..
im sure u dun think u did anything wrong
its always my fault cuz im a bitch.. right?!
prissy, unreasonable, high maintanance..
and u?!
every thought if its possibly ur fault at all.
or wait.. ure perfect.
u cant do more then ure doin..
wat the hell have u done?!

i cant believe i let this happen again.
so fucking stupid

but u.. argh!
how can u do this to me.
wat do all of u want from me.

not to feel anything?!
i cant.
im trying..
i dunnoe how.
it just realli hurts.
why...

-hurts-

2009-01-19T15:17:00.002+08:00

u realli dun care.
u also realli dun care.
and i noe for sure u and u definitely dun care.

but u?!

pls lah.. dun be an ass.

i dun need it.

stop making me cry.. all of u!

dun tell me u care and act like an ass.
just dun tell me u care
it hurts more.
pls!

i realli gotta smarten up.
i just dun see it
i dun get it
and i just keep getting hurt.

and it realli hurts.

-enough-

2009-01-18T23:19:00.002+08:00

im not happy.
im extremely not happy.
i dunnoe wat to do about it.

i realli dunwan to cry anymore.
why do u u u and u all treat me like that.
realli
do u realli not realize that i have feelings too
its not ALWAYS ABOUT U

i wan to say shout scream cry out loud..
but im too tired.
i rather just give up.
my patience is realli being tested to the limit.

- not much longer -

2009-01-10T02:13:00.004+08:00

i guess... i am getting used to it.
i guess... i just got too tired, disappointed, hopeless to cont fighting.
i guess... it realli does take 2 to clap. and so far im just hitting the thin air.

so...
im goin to be okie.
im goin to be me again.
yay
this is always wat i wanted.. not the way i wanted it to happen but i was a bitch to u so fine.

6 years.
goodbye.

- good things to come -

2009-01-06T00:35:00.002+08:00

its so difficult.
im trying.
but its really so god damn farking difficult.
the worse part is...
i feel like im the only one trying.
so why do i try?!

tell me again..
so im prissy, spoilt, demanding, unreasonable, paranoid, overly sensitive, not attentive or caring enough...
and somemore?
add to it.. i'd love to hear it.
it has to me.
not u or u.. never.
it has to be me.
i just love being upset and i love to wallow.
heck its my god damn fav past time
so much so i indulge in it everyday
just because i love that feeling.
sure
tell urself that
all of u.

im pissed off
confused
disappointed
betrayed
sentimental
clueless
flabbergasted
petrified
alone
all wrapped in one big ball of blubber.
tell me it cant worse.

A-R-G-H!!!

- let it go kim -

2009-01-04T19:25:00.005+08:00

so finally ive gotten around to changing the skin..
i guess it does signify a new beginning of sorts
but those who know me will noe the skin looks exactly like wat i would have picked.. always.
well.. new beginning OF SORTS i said.
some things just dun change =)

like how im still to fuck lazy to blog.
but i will soon.
starting with NEW YEAR'S resolutions.
im sure those will fall in after the new year has long passed..

its been 5 months since my life has been turned topsy turvy..
but i guess its been boiling for years and i have to face it sooner or later
and in this 5 months so many things have happened.. new people, new mindsets, new friends, new lifestyle.. heck.. whole new beginning OF SORTS =)
its will turn out for the better..
i insist.

- back to one -

2008-10-24T17:10:00.000+08:00

will.. change.. soon.

2008-09-06T23:17:00.003+08:00

what the fuck.
seriously, thats all i can say.
and im still blogging about u.
fucking pathetic.

no more.
fuck u.
u probably dun even care.

fuck.

2008-09-04T22:48:00.000+08:00

I've got a picture hanging on the wall
It's hard to believe you were ever that small
Now you've got bigger ideas, greater ambitions
Higher to reach but further to fall
It used to be you needed me
But, now you've grown so tall and strong
Now you're on your own

But when the walls of your world come tumbling down
When your heart starts breaking
And there's no one around
Just look over your shoulder
Wherever you roam
Remember, you're never alone

You can love without limit
>From deep in your soul
If you keep a young heart, son
You will never grow old
You can fly to the moon
As high as it seems
But you can crash to the ground
On the wings of your dreams
But you will see there will be
Times when you feel ten feet tall
Times you have it all

I can't stop you from living
I can't blame you for trying
I can't stop you from loving
Can't keep you from crying

- wat happened -

2008-09-04T22:41:00.002+08:00

never thought that i would blog again.
there are few reasons compelling enough to make me get of my lazy behind and blog.
unfortunately, this time its not about animals.

its happening again.
i let it.
why did i trust u.
why did i belive.
why are u doin this to me... AGAIN.
is that how u treat the person u supposedly care about the most.
what does special mean to u.
how can u live with hurting me like that.
how can u sit there and watch me break down and be okie.
is it worth it to u
how can it be worth it.
why do u take my trust and break it time and time again
why do u not see it
do u realli think its okie
do u realli think u can treat me like this.
why do u treat me like this.
why do i let u.
why do i hope
why do i trust.
why did u come into my life and ruin it.
is this all its worth?
why has eveything changed.
why did i let it happen to me again.
why
do
u
do
this
to
me.

why.

- wat now -

2008-04-17T03:02:00.002+08:00

this week has been cruel. Wait I meant it is cruel. Just horrible events after dreadful events. If shit had feelings this is what it would feel like. Hence, I feel lik shit
Ive come to realize that I've made horrible mistakes
and i wished it could all just go away
one big fucking nightmare
if I could even attempt to think about it, i would recount how I lost berrie. But the pain is too much.
keep berrie safe
keep berrie full
keep berrie happy
and give him a home too

-- missing berrie--

2008-04-11T00:07:00.002+08:00

im fucking tired, sleep deprived, upset, worried and behind in studying for the exams
all of that made worse by the berrie saga

berrie barry berry bearbear all originated from strawberry-- which came his very very pink nose
this is like deja vu all over again.
the story of snowy.
just the thought of her makes me tear

the same stupid fucker complained again
seriously, if i could.. argh!!
whats the word.. castrate comes to mind.
make u feel what u put us berrie lovers through. what u put berrie and snowy through
self centered, self rightous egoistical asshole.
that line sounds familliar
oh ya, i scold u that before!

im fucking exhausted and all that just makes me even more irritated with him
imagine
berry had the perfect life in hall.
well loved and WELL FED by many
slept at night in rooms, affection on demand.
and because of ur ill informed complaint
he was plucked from this haven, put through hell for 2 days, scared, CASTRATED, no freedom.
imagine what he must be feeling

ok maybe im over reacting just a bit.
but im sleep deprived for 2 nights
and its not even solved.
wed spent looking for a vet.
too expensive
brought him all the way home but as expcted, cannot get along with my 2 horribly antisocial pets
morn brought to the vet
collected him
tried socializing again
its a pain realli.
but i dun have a choice do i?!
cuz of that idiot
money time effort spent and to no avail probably
how is he goin to get along with bobo and chacha
and if so.. how am i ever goin to bring myself to let him free outside.
he follows me like a shadow even in my own house
mews longingly with those marble eyes
i cried like mad just thinking about walking away from him

ok he is a stray
but im so fucking attached already
i hate it
i hate being like such a crybaby
i wished i could not care.
but he's adorable!
what do i do now..
if i spend anymore money on him my mum will flip.
but thank god the save berrie fund has got contributors from hall.
but still.
every waking moment now i spend worrying about him and his future.
i cant afford that.
exams are coming.
fuck

anybody wans to adopt this adorable kitty
all spayed with new kitty litter provided.
closest thing to a perfect pet
affectionate, gentle great with humans.
not so great with other pets.
beautiful handsome face and coat.
adopt him and be the luckiest human alive.

2008-03-27T23:19:00.002+08:00

i hate u.
u disgust me so much now i find it impossible not to puke my guts out.
u filthy selfish bastard.
this is wat u call trying?
wat the fuck have u become. i dun deserve this
how do u live with urself.
wishin u woud die is too kind to u
wishing u would suffer does nothing to comfort my pain
i cant think of anything bad enuf, painful enuf, suitable enuf for the disgusting filthy scum that u are
how can u sit there and be ok with urself.
how can u do this to me.
u do not care. u lying piece of scum
u take advantage of my situation
u pretend to care
u leave me to suffer
u force me to stay and then u crush me to pieces
u sadistic scumbag
why do u do this to me
i hate u
i hate mysef more
i hate that i believed u i trusted u i put everything in u.
fucking stupid bitch
only to let u play me like this.
how could u.
how can u.

u take comfort and wriggle in glee to the fact that i cant do wlo u
then u belittle me, trample on me and leave me to suffer
and expect me to come crawling back to u
not once u lent a helping hand
u force me to come back for this
and i let u
u are worse than the scum i think u are.
i dun even noe wat that is.

u allow me to wallow
u allow me to fail
u allow me to suffer
just to satisfy ur raging ego.
because ure face and ur ego is more impt,
u are more impt
every lil disgusting part of u is worth more than my well being.
u should get wat u deserve.
but u will never see that u deserve it.
i despise every essence or ur being
i see what u can do to me, just for ur ego and face.
u will let me suffer.
u liar.

-- --

2008-02-28T00:37:00.002+08:00

when will the wallowing stop..
and i thought self pity was a phase.
if i died, would all of u please wear pink to the funeral
and then, there, try not to roll ur eyes thank u very much.

- the end -

2007-11-08T15:35:00.001+08:00

it didnt realli hit me till i came back to hall.
the corridor where we first met her
my lil corner in the room where she'd sleep soundly
my slippers that she'd play with.
just hanging out in hall
she always made me smile and forget all the work i had (which may not be a good thing afterall)

i miss u snowybaby.
so much
its almost like a lost a kin

but at least i noe ur in good hands.
goin to the vet together with pei and yk
seeing how much they pampered her
pink collar, pink foodbowl, home cook meals, nice area to roam about
lotsa lotsa love and attention
shelter. safety, comfort
i just have to keep telling myself she's better off like this
even if i miss her so muchall the drama, rescue missions, cold nights together, constant purring and mewing. the silly things u did. i'll miss all that.

thank you char for being there.
helping grab her when she jumped out my window onto the second story ledge, not noeing how to jump back i or jump down.
in the rain somemore
at 8am!!
u made it a ton easier for me to let go

yah i noe its just a cat.
but i cant help it.

this so doesnt help the recent bout of depression.
massive workload
exams
snowy-less......

-- let her be happy --

2007-11-05T10:27:00.000+08:00

im so upset right now i dun noe how to function. its like im feeling constantly depressed. crap. everything around reminds me of something sad. every thought in my mind is about something i dread. i cant seem to pull away from this one this time. ive tried so hard not to slip into such a state. and ive succeeded for about 1 year? but i dunnoe why its back. so quick so sudden without any hint. It just hit me. i din even have time to defend against it. i din even noe i had to. i dun even noe why. maybe its cuz of snowy, and its not just about her impending departure. maybe its my work, 1 test 2 papers 2 presentations next week and 8 days after that the exams. or maybe its just the load of crappy things i gotta deal with this week. before my horrid work week and exams. great. but it shouldnt be this bad right. i planned for it. but everything is falling apart. admittedly a big part of it is snowy. i dunnoe if what im doin is right and even if it is do i wan to? then again, who am i to decide whats right for her or what she wants. if onli i knew. why does it gotta be so hard. i noe its just one cat to u... but its not to me. its something i care so much about, i constantly worry about her and her future. i really dunnoe what i should or even can do about it. then it hits me thati dun have time to worry. i dun! argh. its getting worse. the constant urge to run away and cry. the constant worry and inevitably. the constant tempatation to end it all. the worse part of it? not even knowing why. so how do i make it better?

2007-11-02T21:05:00.001+08:00

we are so in love with u. i noe im goin to cry like crazy when i have to give u up. but i noe that its for the better. u'll be with people who will love and take care of u, shower u with the affection u deserve and give u a home for good. u will never haf to starve or be alone again. and we all noe how much u like company. sleepless nights sayanging u is proof. im sure weitse can atest to that and chai hui will be able soon haha. u will always be on my mind!! love u snowy baby! thank you for this 2 wonderful weeks.

2007-10-31T15:08:00.001+08:00

2007-10-31T01:01:00.001+08:00

sitting trying hard as hell to do my paper
im just overwhelmed by that lil creature snuggly tucked away on my covers
purring away
its raining outside its cold and windy
but she's warm safe and comfortable.. w me
sleeping soundly and not worrying about a thing in the world.. for once in her life probably
shes so perfect.
all of the worlds warm fuzzy feelings embodied in one black lil kitty.
if only it could last.

-- purrrrrrrrrr ---

2007-10-30T15:37:00.000+08:00

for the first time in a long time i actually feel the need to blog. in fact if i dun blog i think i'll prolly go out there and tear someone's head off.

i hate people. absolutely hate them!!
whats the bloody hell wrong with u people.. the cat is not in ur way, it doesnt bother u, just leave it alone!
what makes u think u have the right to decide if she lives or dies.
how would u fucking like it if i electrocuted u for 6 hrs before i let u die.
she's not in ur space by the way.. YOU ARE IN HERS!!
u stay in this hall.. but u dun own it. she has as much right to live here as u PLUS she's cute and im pretty sure ure not!
ARGH!!.. grow some conscience!
u complain because you dun like seeing her around and the hall office has no choice but to set up an AVA cage and she'll be sent there to die!!!
why dun i fucking send u tot he electric chair because i find ur face irritating?! no other reasons needed. just that.
i cant understand how u people can be so bloody cruel, u better hope and pray that i dun find out who u are.
all u have to do is walk past it leave it alone.. but noooo u and ure self consumed ignorant no life self just had to go lodged a stupic complain. the time taken to that could be put to other uses, LIKE GO FLUSH URSELF DOWN THE TOILET BOWL!! rid the society of people like u.

how can u sleep knowing that a life is lost cuz u cant stand seeing her walking around a space that isnt urs to begin with! what kind of self consumed egoistical bastard lives thinking he is more superior than an alley cat. U ARE AN ANIMAL TOO! ur buildings and what not creeped into their land!! go wikipedia SHARING! all u bi-ped neantherdals!! u dun own this earth, u dun have the right to decide the cat's life! i hope u choke in ur sleep.. on cat hair!

she welcomed me into her life, let me feed her, let me carry her, she slept on my bed. she let me make her feel safe, she made me smile she played with my slippers and mewed for affection. how can u bear to electrocute something so kind and innocent like that? kind and innocent, or even just minding her own business at the very least, thats more then i can say for alot of people. YOU DUN HAVE THE RIGHT!!! get that into ur head!!

if the cat scratches ur car, bites u shits on ur face or keep u awake all night then fine.. i got nuhting to say. maybe then u have the right to get irritated by her. but u still dun have the right to sentence her to 6 long excruciatingly painful hours of electrocution. but now.. she's not even visible like half the day, she comes out every evening to eat and yes we feed her cuz she is starving and she minds her own business, almost everyone on G2 is in love with her, u noe how many hearts ur breaking?! it jsut pains me to noe that such uneducated ignorant people live in such close proximity to me. why is it that other halls dun have such problems? people just live with the cats who DO NOT BOTHER THEM. ure prolly afraid of the cat cuz u noe .. cats see evil!

im so disappointed in human nature. some at least. human rights my ass.. if u ask me with have too much of that (here at least) and too little animal rights. thank you all of you whu tried to help. snowy thanks u too. its not over, its not just one cat, or cats, its just the essence of equality for all... humans are not superior!

-- snowy baby --

2007-06-07T22:46:00.000+08:00

An epiphany
this fucking excuse for a life is not fucking worth updating
when there is sumthing fucking worth to update then maybe i fucking will
but i fucking doubt it.

- wats e fuckin point again? -

2007-05-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

i want to update
i will update
i MUST update!!!!

once im able to get my big fat procrastinating ass up to that task.

hopefully uploading photos will be enuff to refresh and maintain my memories for a longer period then my original dementia-ted brain would allow.

it seems i blog more about wanting to blog than actually blogging itself.
huh?!

-- penniless --

2007-05-06T20:43:00.000+08:00

exams over wheeee....
moving outta hall was hell no whee...
goin to bintan tom w tsin shaun cy and charchar..
WHEE WHEE WHEEEEE....

-- pack --

2007-04-03T15:54:00.000+08:00

i feel bullied.
extremely bullied.
by alot of diff people
i cant explain that feeling..
and maybe it does not constitute bullying..
but thats wat i feel.

my bobo and chacha nv bullied me
i miss them

i dunnoe when i became sucha wuss.
i prefer myself b4.

pple are mean.
they take advantage of u.
i trust too easily and give too many benefits of the doubt
and the funny thing is i always thought myself as the opposite
but right now.. being bullied proves otherwise.

i changed myself cuz of u u and u.
u said i shld be less prissy
u said i shld be nicer
u said i shld be less trusting
u said i shld put in more effort with my frens.
u said i need to be more tactful and less blunt.
u said i shld spend more time at home
u said i shld study harder
u said i shld not be so laidback
well.. guess wat.. BACK AT ALL OF U.

i cant even sae im done being wat everyone wans me to be and start being myself
cuz i forgot wat myself was.

im just gonna curl up in my room and hibernate.
maybe meditating will help self actualization
for now.. studying for my 3 test and the upcoming exams shld make a good enuff excuse to hermitify myself.
social isolation is as much an excuse as it is a very welcomed escape.
i dunwan to be me right now.
but i dunnoe wat i wanna be.

u noe.. i need to grow up.
and be less wussy.
i whine alot. ALOT
and this is toned down whining.
im never happy w my choices that is one thing ure right about.
there is never a good choice when it comes to my decisions.
its always half empty to me.
why like that.

and right now..
with wats happening.
its more like totally empty.
im at the end.
and theres no one there.

-- --

2007-04-03T13:23:00.000+08:00

seriously..
u are UNBELIEVABLE
u make me wanna tear wats left of my hair out...
scream till my lungs explode
and my veins pop out

argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how dare u.
do u haf like a block of wood for ur brain
ure social skills are inadeqaute to sae the least
and dun get me started on ur ability to understand the english language

HOW DARE U!!

im telling u about sumthing i feel..
therefore i get to sae why cant u just get it?!
but u dun get to sae it back!!
cuz im the one trying to get my point across not u!!
argh
simple rules of social communication!

how would u react if i trivialise, negate and falsify (without proof!) everything u sae.
its not a blurdy debate!!
its a conversation
u noe.. the social exchange with words that humans participate in?

wat is ur problem?! seriously!
i trust u therefore i converse w u.
and im sorry but that conversation was about me..
therefore im not the on who shld get it..
i came up with the "IT"!!!

and for that matter.
if u felt so strongly about that matter and u could come up w a million examples to back ur point up
but sum IMBECILE decide that his opinions mattered more but w lame ass examples
started throwing eveything back at u
and thats not ure intention when u started the conversation, u just wanted to talk about it, get it off ur chest.
wat will u do to that imbecile?!

never talk to that idiot ever again.
FYI: YOU disrespected ME!

i hate human beings.
i rather rant to to my cat.

--argh--

2007-04-02T19:46:00.000+08:00

i dun haf a life..
why is there so mch mugging this sem..

paper after dreadful paper..
tests after tests..

i havent clubbed in 3 weeks. or more..
im either in hall
or at sch.
meaning im in NUS the whole week
how sad is that

okie given some entertainment in hall stuff
goin out fer suppers
mahjong and ktv.
am i becoming an auntie or wat..

well char char can atest to my lack of a life.
she's prolly my onli form of human contact
haha.. thank u char.

there's so many things i wanna do!!
but no time and too tired.
maybe its just an excuse
i dunnoe.
but im realli realli sleepy now.. haha

for the first time in my life im actually studying..
its actually a piority and i see it as part of my role of being a student.
at least im proud of that.
yay!

-- headache and craving fer ice --

2007-03-21T17:01:00.000+08:00

im so bored
all of us left the IO lect halfway cuz another min of it we'd all suffer from major psychological concussion or sumthing
gosh..
i hate weds.
esp alt ones like todae where ive got 9hrs of lessons str8
can feel my brain haemorrhaging.

ive got nuthing to do..
for the next 40mins.
till my next ultra exciting lect on cybercrime.
wheee..
kill me pls.

im hungry also.
but then again
im always hungry

and i got nuthing to wear to the dnd this fri
which clashes w yv's birthday celebration at walas
dun think i can back out now.
so i'll just rush down afta the dnd.
all the way from tanah freaking merah in the east to holland.
all decked out in red. GREAT
maybe i can get sumthing that i can recyle for cny
lets change the theme to ANG BAO RIVER AT LAGUNA
im feeling cranky

hmm.. i need a tann.
oh well..
was sup to go zouk tonight w pei
but i doubt i'll be goin now.
havent seen my gals in ages
decadence
i havent been to the cannary i wan to go.
its cheap on weds rite?

-- withdrawal symtptoms --

2007-03-13T22:38:00.000+08:00

of all days to rain..
correction. not rain..
its POUR..
RAING BLURDY HEAVILY..
cats dogs and hamster..

oh well..
i have been wantin to blog since last fri

ke bash
good.. fun w yunyun
like JC partay all over again
free flow leh.
haha
and of all places.. at HOME CLUB
hahahahahahahahaha
i felt young.
anewaes, was all hangover the next morning but need to rush home
to be chauffer for my mum

say hi to my weekend job
taxi driver
for my mum
who made me drive all over sg
to places i never even heard of
a total of 6 near misses
almost crashed into stupid slow car in front 3 times.
ran red light once
kenna ticket for illegal parking once ($100!!!)
and speeding scare once. (i swear i saw a flash)

after horrid weekend..
okie week at school
quite slack actually since most of my tests and papers are done.
had vball traing woohoo!
a total of 3 people showed up
haha..
but it was fun! and jo joined us so 5 people not so bad lah
went jogging round nus..
like reaallliii ROUND NUS
i did one whole round.. i actually completed it
with jo telling me "just keep the bounce! its all in the mind"
haha..
yah.. in my mind i died.

but i revived myself for some teochew porridge at ameen w wantsina n char
picked them up after their ktv session.
had to endure some horrid voices during suppr but worth it lah haha
mahjonge with adeline the next dae..
i won~ ! woohoo
like i NEVER win
sorie ade.. haha
ooh and i lurve cupid aka stupid and rocky!!

proggies meet up at settlers!
fun fun fun!!
taboo singapore version
quotes of the day

char: wat u use to contain tea?!
cy: tea bottle!! (like wat in the world is a tea bottle?!)

cy: a sudden explosion of fire (word to guess is burst)
char: explosion!! (wahahaa, yeah... okie...)

and many many more games!

had a long lunch chat w jiahui ginny and huimin.
about life.
oh well..
got me all worked up and thinking bout life.
making me feel so darn under accomplished.
i want to do so many things

which reminded me that i havent set my this years resolution yet.
last years ones were actually semi completed
i got my drivers licence
got a car
learnt drums
improve cap by alot
lost weight, got fitter
let chacha adopt me
but.. i havent volunteered yet
and i havent learnt a new language

so this years ones will those uncompleted and carried forward
i must must must volunteer sumwhere. long term
learn a new language, like for real, not like when i took sign language, i forgot most already
keep exercising.. totally suck at the stamina department already
save money!! no more shopping trips
get a job?
backpack sumwhere--> anyone?
travel sumwhere to chill --> aneone?
take up a sports course maybe like coaching course? or life saving? muay thai? haha sumthing outside of hall sports lah.
pull cap up to 3.5 which means at least 2 Bs and 2 B+s
continue drums and improve on guitar skills--> char? hehe
find some way to help the starys in sg--> char?
be nicer.. like a nicer person
i can nv be sweet.. but just be a better person overall.
i dunoe how.. but im gonna try haha.
oh and to be a better friend to the pple who deserve it.
and to not get affected by those who dun.
i need to open my eyes to the human nature and be more skeptical.
no more rose tinted glasses.
i trust too god damn easily.. and its biting my right back in the arse.
ive had enuff.
and last but not least...
work things out w my mum n dad
mum side getting better.. but dad side getting worse. argh.

oh well all this thinking's giving me a headache.
off for some chocos!
yay im so happy i got down to blogging this.
oh wait.. one more on the resolution list
stop procrastinating!!!!!!

-- under accomplished --

2007-03-01T20:54:00.000+08:00

this day just keeps getting worse!
now i hafta attempt to do my presentation when i cant even understand wat the hell the reading is saying with my mega ton headache of the century pounding away.
great.
argh
argh
argh.

u could haf just apologized u noe.
its called manners
argh!

-- irritating --

2007-03-01T18:14:00.000+08:00

im very very irritated and very very upset.
not by aneone in particular but just by the blurdy irritating and upseting circumstances
argh!

argh! argh!

-- bleah --

2007-02-27T14:23:00.000+08:00

u'll nv haf to do anething for me again.
happy now.
im sorry it was such a chore

thanx alot for proving me right, again.
enuff already
no more hope no more chances.

just want to noe wat did i do wrng?
seriously
i realli dunnoe.
i din even see it coming and it fucking hurts.

i din realize that it was such a chore.
u cld haf just said no.
at least i will noe wat hit me.
never again.
anething ever.
i noe now.

is this wat u wanted to show me in a week?

its done.

2007-02-15T00:15:00.000+08:00

argh!
im so irritated

i havent finished studying for my test tom but my brain's so backed up from todaes CA that i cldnt stand reading another word
so i went jogging
it felt realli good
the entire A1 route
i nearly died while joggin up the MOUNTAIN at the end of pgp route
but it was good

came back
my ankles felt like they were goin to give way
i jogged for like wat... 30mins?!
and my ankles were huting like mad
im old and so totally useless already

then i had a craving for ice
like i always do
so i went up to get ice..
and guess wat
the old clumsy useless me dropped my glass and it broke into a million pieces
totally startled me..
so now no ice no glass and hurtining ankles..
i just had to blog it cuz im so irritated w myself
grrr..

and i hafta start studying..!
grrr...

-- broken.. in more ways than one--

2007-02-12T12:02:00.000+08:00

ihg is finally over!!
and i must say im missing it alil
esp the exercise!
2mths to lose alil weight, 1 week to put it all back on..
boohoo

but its been fun
my last ihg game was the handball match on tues
im proud of how much we improved
but still.. we cld haf done better
oh well

i was looking thru my posts and i realized that ive been postponing blogging since b4 my birthday!
gosh im sucha procrastinator
and i haf forgetton mostly wat i wanted to post
haha

alright once i get all my photos and data into my new MACBOOK.. haha.. i will post the pics
hopefully they'll speak for themselves

im loving my new macbook.
although im still realli not used to it.
where's my freaking right click button!!
and i doesnt come w office!!
can u imagine?
aneone's got the mac compatible office?..boohoo...
be nice.

but im still loving it (god i sound like a macdonald's advert)
haha.

oh oh and hossan leong's multiple personality disorder one man stand up show was HILARIOUS!!
damn blurdy furnie i tell u
me yunyun and char laffed our heads off
although i was pretty slow to catch sum jokes..
crazy horse.. haha
steamboat and mj agter that w yunyun's fren josh was good too.
and as a result ive gotten a new name..
again..
i shall not mention it here thou..
and char.. dun u dare tag it..
SMACK U!

im at the forum alone now.. cuz i decided to come to sch early to mug
since there;s no way i can mug at home..
but imobviously not mugging now am i.

which reminds me..
i got class till 9am on valentine's day, a test on the dae itself and the day after.
but hey im not complaining..
great excuse for not having a date..
haha.
not that im sad case okie.. i got test mah.. 2 test leh.. and class till 9pm haha.

looks like its just me and u again char on thurs after my test.
dun complain hor.
hehe
looking forward to that esp since it means my tests are over
also friday with cj vball gals and din w ij pals.
wheeee...
happy friendship day..!! haha

u noe..
when i got the time and the things to blog abt i dun
but now when im sup to be mugging im blogging my fingers out..
oh well..

-- big hug --

2007-02-07T02:35:00.000+08:00

in pain..
alot of pain.

it hurts in more ways than one.

-- say anything --

2007-02-01T18:46:00.000+08:00

i finally have time to blog
but guess wat!
im wayyyyy to sleepy to blog
haha

after a bountiful 23 prawns catch last night
i feel like a 40 yr old auntie

whoever's anon (im guessing it means anonymous)
is right
i am a pig
eat sleep eat sleep eat sleep

haha..
eh but i derserve to okie
im aching all over and painful from all the scrapes and bruises

will try to update soon
i do haf alot to yak and whine about
but rite now..
zzzz..zz...zzz..

-- painful knuckles --

2007-01-30T23:43:00.000+08:00

there's lots i wanna blog about
but because of a pain in the ass anthropology paper due tm which i havent even read the materials im sup to reflect on,
i cant.

i shall attempt to rem wat i wanna blog about
when i act have the luxury to
not too hopeful

for now..
im freezing my big ass off
even thou im cloaked in a sweater and the fan's not even on

i wan hot soup
my paper to be magically done
my laundry to be washed and dried in the morning
my bruises scrapes and fingers to stop hurting
my muscles to stop aching
and for now, to stop sneezing and freezing.

okie off to read my notes
realli realli boring and cheem notes
argh..

-- black nail polish! --

2007-01-26T00:47:00.000+08:00

coffee and excessive exercise makes kim jittery
in an attempt to not fall aslp for my alcohol class (cuz i had to wake up supa early for my 10am tut), i decided to drink coffee..
cold canned nescafe..
before im halfway thru w the can
i could feel my heart racing..
my fingers were trembling
i was hyper alert
found every single lame joke from the lect furnie as hell
and talked like a speeding bullet

i was feeling happy..
and excited..
which i havent been in a long long time.
but after the netball match
the jitteriness was still there, aided by the rush of adrenaline and endorphins from all the running
i still spoke damn fast
my mind was still trying to catch up w my actions
and my fingers trembling
but i was no longer high

i feel bad cuz i shld haf played better
somehow..
although i realli did put in my best and i was amazed by the improvement in my stamina (prolly due to the caffeine lah)
those 2 shots shld haf went in
still i realli am proud of the ke gals.
im sorrie if i shouted at aneone, its the adrenaline!
it was a good game
alot faster
still it was fustrating..
argh!
just wished somehow i could haf played better
but i noe.. not very possible..
old already and after all the training i think im in my best state now already.
but still..
haiyoh

anewaes tennis training was fun todae.
i think its the caffeine haha..
and after that i was like starving
so here i am.. at chars house
stuffed w chompchomp goodies!
and the effects of the dae starting to fade.
which is bad..
my whole body is aching
2 fingers feel like an elephant just stepped on them
my feet.. ouch. 4 blisters and counting
bruises.. stopped counting
im old and useless already man..
shitty

i need to train up..
hate feeling so slow and tired.
ive never been fit fit.. or fast
haha
but im gonna try now to train and keep it up
just for a healthier lifestyle
at a ripe old age of 21.. im gonna try
hahahahaa

wow i blogged blogged..
and its not just whining about my pathetic life
guess the caffeine hasnt realli worn off yet
thats why i dun drink coke or coffee or tea..
so when i actually do drink them..
its like 10 tequila shots combined
haha

my fingers wun stop trembling
shitty.
and im typing at lightning speed!
realli!

i am a lil tired of losing..
but i realli cldnt care less
being competitive isnt realli the highlight of my character although i take training very seriously, if u put in the effort to train might as well make it count and want to win, makes it all the more fun right
still im very proud of our spirit
and we realli are doing this against all odds
lack of training, experience, logistics, coaches, courts
very good already okie
mai hiam haha
i guess at the end of the day if we haf fun then its all worth it
lose nvm.. look good doin it can already
haha

okie im not realli thinking str8 anemore.
i need sleep
and rest.
old haggard kim

oh wait.. we ate steamboat todae!!
gave both me and char bad tummy ache
but it was worth it!!
so was the shopping after that!
teehee!

-- stinky --

2007-01-19T04:09:00.000+08:00

live prawns!
wheee..
21 live prawns
wheeeee wheeee!!

up at 430am
again
no wheee
..
feeling sick
never recovering
no whee..

live prawns
wheeeeeeeeeeee

-- soya sauce --

2007-01-18T02:47:00.000+08:00

im soooo tired!
i feel like my limbs are detached from my body

today started of pretty bad..
in a surreal way
feeling realli disillusioned about people and my life in general

kinda stressed about vball too.
but it ended good

im realli proud of my vball gals
todae's game made me rem how much i like playing vball
it realli exceeded my expectations lah.
22-25 in the last set
lotsa realli good rally and very nice saves and play
realli heartening to see that i begginner team like ours can play like that
quite wasted that we lost
but im happy w wat we acheived
it would be an experience to rem always
thank u again gals!

still the late nights
unhealthy food
endless trainings
and realli bad weather
so totally isnt helping my fever.
argh..
hate feeling like this

2007-01-17T05:26:00.000+08:00

im up
at 530am
feeling realli sick
fever
stomachache
naseousness

sick to the stomach
in more ways than one

i hate how i trust so easily
i hate how i get so damn hurt by the people ive come to trust
and how i never learn from it
then having to deal w the repercusions of that
only to find myself forgetting about it and trusting them again

talking to charchar till so late
many things have come to my attn
about myself
some specific people we know
and people in general

and its a good thing...
but then again
right now im realli feeling very very sick
and i got 7 hrs lect 3hrs of which im skipping for ihg vball and then 2 hrs soccer training
right now i can hardly lift my fingers to type lah..
realli hope i can function tom.

i realli wished i had a stronger character
or a character in general haha
oh yah, and less dumb.

-- people suck --

2007-01-15T16:36:00.000+08:00

im still down w stomach flu
which sucks..
argh.. esp now that all the competition are starting

gonna play tennis ihg against TH in 2 hrs
wth..
i cant play lah
im so gonna cuz us to lose!
so dreading it
only had 4 trainings in total
and nv touched the racket b4 that
and the last one had ended only 10mins ago.
can feel the flu bug kicking back in during the training.
i haf no idea how im gonna last later
but im gonna try my best..
i guess they haf their reasons for still putting me in even thou im like a total beginner and im down w fever.
cant fathom wat that reason is thou haha
but i will try!
dun wanna let the team down.
again.

pls let the medicine kick in soon
i feel like im gonna keel over and puke my guts out.
i hate being so weak.
alil rain, a couple of late nights, and training onli
and im like.. fever.
argh! wth

char's coming back tom!
yay!

well.. im gonna go lie down for awhile..
pls pls let a miracle happen.
haha no more fever and can play tennis thank u.

-- str8, move feet, follow thru, proper stroke --

2007-01-13T23:27:00.000+08:00

in short..
last night was hell lotta fun!
woohoo..

but...
right now my head is splitting in half
bad hangover
dun help that i seem to have the stomach flu
fever, stomachache, sorethroat body aches, the works...
i guess the constant stress and training in bad weather is finally kicking in
of cuz the partaying din help lah
too much screaming last night my throat feels like sand paper
i realli hope i get well soon man
all that training and then being sick during the actual comp?
so lame.

im tired.
realli tired.
snores

-- sniffs, cough, hack--

2007-01-11T21:05:00.000+08:00

char's goin overseas tom!!
boohoo
be careful charpattie..
come back soon! haf fun and buy me lotsa things! teehee

the rain is stealing all my precious training slots!
and its making me flabby
correction is more flabby
stop raining!

ihg tennis no more on monday! still got a week left
i reali reali hope i dun hafta play
cuz i cant play
but apparently im playing
singles
great
grand total of 3 trainings
no stamina cannot serve dunnoe rules and w a pulled thigh muscle
how to play
help

personality and alcohol lect sucked
im so gonna do so badly this sem
too hard and im too dumb
and im all alone for alcohol
boohoo

on a happier note
im partaying w my gals tom night!
phuture yest w char and yv was good
good music good company but not too good crowd
hopefully tom will be better
and we're prepared to haf some real crazy fun like old times!

-- i am me --

2007-01-10T12:01:00.000+08:00

okie.. seriously?.. life's realli getting me down.
yes yes
i need to stop whining
and get on w it
grow up.

but couple that w the fact that i hated turning 20 and then 21
why the hell shld i grow up
once again the angsty need to get pissed drunk and pass out

argh..
i need to get my new years resolutions out
it worked for me last year
but the calm barely lasted a year
better then nuthing

i feel lost and confused
identity moratorium as my adolescent psych text wld say
but im 21..
i shldnt be in moratorium
i guess everyone goes through this stage once in awhile
doesnt mean i dun get to whine about it and wallow in self pity

i noe the root cause of this feeling
char noes
and my adolescent psych text noes
the key ingredient to idenity formation-->

hey, i cant keep crying over spilt milk
but i can keep wallowing in self pity over it

yes yes others elsewhere have it worse.
yes yes i have lots to be thankful for
yes yes im prolly over dramatizing my problems
i guess i still havent stepped out of being an adolescent
for a brief period last year i thought i had
and i was confident i found myself
i dun doubt that
but i wasnt able to hold on to it
esp when life throws so many curve balls at u
blink n u lose part of urself
wat now.

random thoughts:
touch rugby left me sunburnt,
injured,
feeling old and
w a realli muddy pair of boots
i dunwanna be capt of anething anemore
im a bitch and a wimp all in one flabby self
club tonight club friday night
too old to club haha
purple streaks again
meaning soon turning to moss
i dun wanna play tennis for ihg! i cant play not after only 3 trainings
2006 news creeping into 2007
gross people
indifference

-- tired and misunderstood --

2007-01-05T13:14:00.000+08:00

ive been wanting to blog about so many things
but i've been too tired and too lazy to get round to it

firstly.. goodbye 2006!
the new year's eve bash at siloso beach was a blast!
the glitter lounge w free flow of drinks and food and the best view of the stage w utt and denise hangout w us.
not to mention stilt walkers, fire breathers and snake man! haha

so with 2006 goin out w a bang
im sooooo looking forward to 2007
im saying good riddance to shitty 2006
shitty people, shitty events shitty stuff.

no more looking back
lets concentrate on 2007
and rem only the good things from 2006
or so i say

it has been a pretty hectic and stressful hols
with little close to nuthing goin my way
im thankful for my results and would like to say that i worked my ass off for it although char begs to differ
but i did, and i almost died during exams
this sem's cap of 4.3 pulled up my overall cap significantly which i tot was impossible
its still only a third class at 3.47 but im happy! teehee!

honestly vball is quite a stressor
remind me nv ever ever to be a captain again
im proud of my gals and i think they've did well inspite of our disadvantages
but its tiring.. and im too old for this haha
i wanna play and haf fun but i think the competitive streak in me has mellowed from its already near nonexistence.
onli hope now is that this gals learn and haf fun during it.
there's always next year!
and we did win raffles in a friendly! so thats a start.
in fact we were laughing and having more fun than the winning team today
thats nice to see.
i think ive gotten too used to losing that it doesnt even bother me the least bit
haha
.... in fact im a lil worried that it has turned into a self handicapping strategy
but i cannot be bothered to do anything about it.
i still love sports thou.. haha

random thoughts cuqz im too laqzy to blog furthur
new years eve din w family rocked
sembawang beach w mummy and bobo!
lotsa shopping a char
im officially broke
endless training
holland v supper
missing my girlys
no more getting bogged by shitty people

-- airheaded --

2006-12-30T10:42:00.000+08:00

im exhausted...
theres too many things to do, too many people to please
if only i could be split up to do everything simultaneously
everything's becoming more of an obligation
passing by in a blur..
and im caught in the middle of it.

random thoughts
shopping a mum and cousin
vivo city many many times
lots of xmas din
with py and gin
swappies
charchar
family
hunt for jerseys
endless trainings
nic's birthday at mos
mahjonging
prawning
shopping and more shopping
teochew porridge
cant remember think im gonna comatose soon

even blogging has become sucha chore
but i feel compelled to
its weird the things im feeling

--shitty --

2006-12-18T11:44:00.000+08:00

IT WAS FANTABULASTIC!!!
i believe ive just created a new word..
cuz i cant find any other words to adequately describe my pink ans sparkly BURFDAE..!

there's too many things to say
too many pple to thank
too many incidents to describe
and too tired to relieve the experience rite now.

all i can say is im happy.
realli realli happy
the birthday week is finally over
after all the talk and preparation and stress and shopping and artwork.. haha
first char's then mine.
a good summary can be found at charchars blog
i say good not complete.. but the gist is there lah.

can wait to see all the photos.
think i did a lifetime's worth of touring around singapore during this week of celebrations.
and at the end of the day..
it was all worth it!!
all i see is pink sparkles everywhere!!

will attempt to post the photos with commentary soon
before the memory fades
cuz im realli honestly quite sad that its over
so im gonna try to store it as vividly as i can
it all is startng to seem surreal.

-- pink and sparkly!!-

2006-12-14T11:31:00.000+08:00

its my party and i cry if i wan to
cry if i wan to, cry if i want to
u would cry too if it happened to you....

on a happier note..
its my pink and sparkly 21st birthday today..!

amidst the furore of planning the deco food and location
which is kinda fun actually
something happened that inspired the lines above.
story of my life, but oh well..
i WILLtry to enjoy today

im not expecting much actually...
but still.. im very very thankful and touched by my frens who put in the effort to make this day a pink and sparkly blast!
from big time preparation to short sweet msgs
at least w/o family i noe there's still frens who care
and i'll love u all dearly always.
u noe who u guys are.
thank you.

so as ive told myself..
im gonna be happy today!
if just for one day.

im 21. wheee..

alright.. busy busy busy day ahead.

-- strangers --

2006-12-08T19:10:00.000+08:00

its counting down to my darling charchar's 21st birthday party tom!!
yay!
its gonna be a blast!
although we're all gonna look like shit.. haha

well, i finally got a venue for my 21st celebration
the pink and sparkly date is gonna be at siloson beach resort roof top garden suite.
i realli hope the room is big enuff man.
its realli stressful planning a 21st
thank god there;s frens around to help.. esp charchar!

its kinda sad realli cuz a ton of people are overseas.
pple i'll miss having at my 21st.
huli the giant
wantsin miss midget balls
mich
shaunie
chingyong
yvetta
jia the hui
cheryl lee sotong.
come back soon! haha

so i am still looking forward to my pink and sparkly date..
but with wary, foreboding trepidation.
we'll see.

oh well, thru it all u realli see who ur true frens are
pple who care.. who bother.
little things they do and say
to make thing juz a lil easier on you.
angels i noe i'll love always.
and of cuz those who give frens a bad name
char's always saying i trust and care too much and too easily.
well then at least i noe now who not to waste my frenship on.
maybe thats the true 21st birthday gift.

--pink and sparkly!!--

2006-12-05T11:39:00.000+08:00

exams is over..
im sup to feel elated.
but i dun feel elated.

driving isnt all fun and relaxing like i thought it wld be.
sg drivers are mean.
or maybe my driving juz sucks
i get lost almost everytime i go out
and i cant park (where the bloody hell are the poles?!)
its stressful to drive.. and so many thing to worry about
oh well.. lets hope this will pass and the fun part will come soon

anewaes now that exams are over i no longer haf an excuse not to think about planning my 21st
its sucha dread
is it sup to be sucha dread?
why is it that evrything that i tot wld be fun turned out otherwise.
i dunnoe wat to do, where to hold it.
but i noe one thing.
the theme is gonna be
ALL THINGS PINK AND SPARKLY.
so frens, time to ransack your closet and dress like ur inner self tells u to.
u noe u wan to.
there's a pink spark in all of us!
teehee!

-- i just passed, back off--

2006-11-22T16:36:00.000+08:00

yipee!
i got my car..
woohoo..

and better still, its not the hyundai getz
managed to talk my dad into getting me the chevrolet aveo5 black
so i got the car i wanted and i love the colour black on it!

cant wait for exams to be over!
although i prolly still gotta wait till mid dec for the new shipment to come in.
but im happy now!
woohoo!

-- health psych --

2006-11-15T00:37:00.000+08:00

i havent blogged in like a gizzillion years.
not there's nuthing compelling enuff to blog.
juz that ive been supa lazy and supa distracted.

anewaes sumthing actually compelling enuff for me to blog

i passed my driving test!!!!

and i got the route i din wan to get, the onli route i din wan. and i got it. how typical.
anewaes whu cares!
i passed!

and i wanted the honda fit in dark purple.
but my dad says hyundai getz in black
okie lah..
not like im complaining that he's buying me a car for my birthday
although can see he want to budget.
but hey, i'd be estatic just to get a second hand tutut to drive around haha

and the good thing is i can get it by the end of the week.
chopchop get chopchop drive.
my poor dad haha

okie other compelling things with to photos to come soon.
if i can bring myself to upload them.
halloween ops black at settlers and triple tree buffet and karina's 21st

- 10 points!! -

2006-10-12T15:56:00.000+08:00

i dun mean to sound like an angsty teen in the midst of puberty

but LIFE SUCKS
realli realli sucks.

there have been the okie times this weeks
some good times.
but mainly SUCKY TIMES.

especially today..
bad day bad bad day

i feel like its me against the rest of the world
i feel so small and insignificant
i feel ostracized.. by everyone but no one in particular.
my self esteem is small as a pea.
im the dumbest person alive rite now.
the world hates me.

yup, i do sound like like the adolescent in puberty.
a text book example rite outta my adolescent psych text.
personal fallacy, imaginary audience, centrality
rite now i feel like the world revolves arnd me.. and it hates me
so that cant be a good thing

im evolving backwards.
yikes.

kim.. grow up.
get a life.

-- when life hands u lemons, sulk and complain how sour it is --

2006-10-05T11:23:00.000+08:00

last night was the worst night's sleep ever.
ever.
and it onli goin downhill from here

i cld nv hav even imagine that kind of loneliness
now ive been thru it
the dread of waking up and the confirmation that eveything was real
that it wasnt juz a bad dream
the hurt.

i feel like eveything juz collapsed on me
once again.. this happened when i felt like things are starting to get better.

life will nv be okie.
everythings diff.
nuthings stable
nobody nuthing can be trusted

im even too disoriented now to actually blog wat i feel
i dun noe wat to feel
how to feel.
everything else that seemed to matter so much.. everything else in my life.. juz life itself, now pale in comparison.
nuthing seems to mean anething anemore
how can they..
there's no point in anething anemore.
there is hardly even a me..

its like .. juz disintegrating slowly and painfully.
and i cant do anething abt it.
its worse than b4.

-- --

2006-10-03T21:30:00.000+08:00

im smothered in tests and papers and projects.
SMOTHERED.

every waking second in spent studying working and stressed.
i wonder why i was actually looking forward to sch re-opening
sumhow this "smothered" part of sch nv seems to stick in my memory

im so dreading exams
this gotta be the most hectic sem yet.
the mods are crazy.. got test still got paper then still got presentation
fark.

BTW..
I LURVE SOCI PROFS.
my beloved soci prof juz gave me an extension on my paper.
i asked for 1 or 2 days, she give me 5 days!!!!!!
sumore wish me good luck for my other tests and paper and said she understood the pressure we're goin thru.
everyone.. GASP.
how nice is that?!
hate the module.. luv the prof.

the only break i got this week.
thats why i can afford to blog haha.

random tots:
cousin's wedding rocked
forbbiden city rocked
gathering w proggies rocked
mahjong w proggies.. por shifu won slap slap
majong w oily shaun and char.. oily won.. cut balls out
zouk absolutly sucked
but mini cj gathering and reminiscing afta rocked.
thurs rocked.. teehee
realization: my vocab is the size of wat pple think my brain is.

2006-09-22T14:22:00.000+08:00

yay! *jumps around room and causes building to shake*
finally im done with my 3rd and last paper!!
im going home 2night!! cant wait..
bobo chacha, miss my babies sooo much.

im so sleepy thou..
went for supper with mok mok and char last night after the agm.
then me and char toked cok while attempting to harmonise Mr Postman by the carpenters till almost 5am..
so im uber proud of myself for waking up at 12pm to finish my paper..
i rock! haha.

AGM was... kinda fun actually.
juz to meet up w the pinkies.. yunnie and seeing all the usual swappies.. mok mok, ZS, LY, audrey yunnie Javen shaun ong karina siang meng.. and the stupid juniors.. oily clown and blur sotong.
its juz a nice feeling seeing them
All the best for the new NUSpsych soc!!
my personal choice for president.. CHERYL BLUR SOTONG LEE..
haha
SWAPS has ended.. to me, on a high note, and im so thankful i was a part of that society.
yeah shit happens sumtimes.
but it is all good!

-- swaps --

2006-09-21T15:13:00.000+08:00

Random photos cuz im bored and cuz my comp has a pathatic num of photos. so here goes!

wackys outing.. as usually cam whoring cuz we've eaten till our stomachs expanded 1000% and played shithead till we can play no more.. squeezed everyone's boobs till we're bored of it. here one of our many many shots.. sup to act fierce and punch yunnie. bt shithead of the night ame decided to be nice to her darling santa yun.. haha

cj vball gals at wheelock. i know its a blurred shot.. but its a nice blurred shot k.. dun we all look so chio.. haha

char me yv ame and pammie at thumper.. okie not at thumper, at goodwood park hotel ent next to thumper. Mission: escape the totally gross retro and techno music IRENE ANG was playing at that time.

FHD w my Himbo Bro.. dun ask me why he's wearing flora's scarf around his neck.. god noes. haha and the guy behind took the pseudo hawaiian theme tooooo literally.

The four of us being supa dupa country bumpkins cuz we din noe about multi shot and ended up looking like idiots. jiahui: look i can flap my hands so fast they disappear ginny: im sweet im sweet im oh so sweet.. me: happy face now.. put on ur hapy face.. char: grunt.. bulge non-existent muscles BULGE OUT NOW!

2006-09-20T01:16:00.000+08:00

phew..!
hmm.. seems like ive been starting my recent post with that exclaimation.

but PHEW!..
reali tired
still gotta read my psych paper to do that stupid critique..
remind me again why im majoring in psych..

bruised my finger during handball..
oh well..

vball training todae was particularly draining..
maybe i was juz tired
but there were points of time i wanted to juz throw a bitch fit.
nuthing to do w the players...
they're already more than i can ask fer.. the fact that they show up.. haha
more to do w myself.
how the fark im i sup to train 20 gals.
i hardly had any formal training.
its realli hard handling sucha big group of pple, and trying to pls everyone
half the time i dunnoe wat im doing
and i feel reali bad, am i boring them.. are they having fun.. how to help them to play well.
i cant even play that well.
im in way over my head man.
i dunwan to be capt.. honestly.. im juz not good enuff.
i like playing.. realli.. alot
i never wanted to be in sucha position.. jc.. last year alike..
but oh well.. since im here.. i'll try my best.
but that's onli so much cuz i suck.

anewaes.. 3 papers due this fridae. FARK.
sorrie janet.. no zouk this wed.

juz a thought.. i dunwanna grow old!
wait i am old.. and haggard and withered and dried up..
boo.

-- father absence --

2006-09-19T01:14:00.000+08:00

phew..
finally got around changing my blog skin..
couldnt realli bear to actually..
that skin's been w me fer awhile.. a long while..
but i guess its time..
totallt grown out of the old one..

havent realli been blogging..
2 reasons..
realllliiiii busy..
and reaaalllliii lazy.

went shopping todae afta film and history..
bought 4 freaking pairs of heels!
half of which is gonna be proudly sponsored by char.
haha! i blogged... so u hafta pay!
other things things proudly sponored by my oh so generous supa dupa hot best fren.
- ipod nan0
- Grease the musical tix (okie okie.. so this happened centuries ago)
- Guess? bag
- part of the hongkong trip
- and ohter small things that i cant rem right now but she'll prolly strangle me tom for not listing it..

so thank u!!
tee hee

i realli gotta get the photos..
so i cn juz upload them and let them speak fer themselves.
farking lazy to blog..

-- peggy sue --

2006-09-05T00:20:00.000+08:00

finally.. i haf juz enuff energy left in me to churn out a short post.

the past 2 weeks haf been.. to say the least, fun!
and realli hectic..
it was juz like whoosh...! rushing here and there.. doin a ton of diff things, meeting up w so many pple.

im still too tired fer a detialed post and frankly.. the memory of wat happened last last week is starting to decay. still i'd like to document alil of it juz to keep it archived in my memory
so here are the highlights..

ibg..
great fun. gh rox
loads of exercise every single day..
good fer the weight issue haha
tug of war.. amazing
HDB shitheading w yv pig char and pam
zouking w mich huili janet and char photos soon
char mad me a wonderful wonderful photo album scrap book thingy
i love it..
great dinner at crystal jade w yv char and pam
new ipod like finally..
clubbing w janet and jo
tanning w jo
pei's 21st!! more updates when the photos come in
phuture afta the party
loads of booze
supa dupa good cake frm awfully choco
chauffering by pig--> duck rice buy cake make pressie day
dinner w himbo bro
shopping shopping and more shopping..
drums again finally
recruitment.. looking good looking good
hall has been suprisingly fun.
squash w oily and pork

okie.. thats realli all i can rem fer the past 2 weeks.
but its been a realli busy 2 weeks.
in a good way.
frens games partaying.. fun!!

-- headache --

2006-08-15T18:41:00.000+08:00

sch's started..! wheeee

hk was supa dupa fun..!! wheeee..

everything else leaves much to be desired.
esp the fact that i haf the sore throat of the century.

im too drowsy to blog more.
updates soon.
and pics..
once those nini-s send it to me..

-- heavy stuff --

2006-08-09T21:25:00.000+08:00

boo! frm hk..

wheeee.. my heart fell out 4 times todae..

update and photos soon!

off to eat beef noodles.. drool.

oh yah won hk$10 at the macau casino todae.. wheee... haha

-- la la land --

2006-08-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

5 more hrs..!!
5 more hrs..!!

woohoo..
5 more hrs to taking a cab to changi to take a plane to hk to take a shuttle bus to the hostel to stay fer 4 daes to shop eat shop eat till i drop..

yay!
i cant wait i cant wait i cant wait i cant wait.
haha.

ok so this is like the 8th time ive been to hk.
and im still sound like a mountain tortise.. i pink sparkling one at that

but i dun care.
i cant wait x 100!!
haha

-- lei ho ah.. --

2006-08-04T23:14:00.000+08:00

its been hell the past few daes..
lots of reason.
so bad it seems so surreal.
wake up in a blur

right now im juz trying to get by.
looking ferward to hongkong next week!
wheee..

i admit ive had my bitchy immature moments.
but everyone makes mistakes.
and i am sorrie fer saying and doing certain things
and its been hard to let it go..
but im cutting myself sum slack
and im getting over it.
so if sum other pple choose to dwell on it then so be it..
ur entitled to ur own opinions.

i noe im very opinionated
and i can come across as an arrogant self righteous BUT VERY ignorant bitch.
and i agree.. i am that sometimes.
but im trying not to be rite.
but hey.. sumtimes.. i am actually right. haha

i guess we're all older now..
so i shld juz learn to chill.
and most imptly learn from my mistakes.
im slow.. so bare w me

i need to stop rationalizing every single action of mine
every single thought.. desire, decison and choice.
sumtimes.. u juz gotta do it
and once its done its done
it either brings u forward in ur life or sets u a step back.
so deal w it
and make the best of it.
there'll always be a million "if onlys"
but hey.. we wldnt haf known.. so it doesnt matter.

and there's always a silver lining in every situation.
no matter how bad..
at the very least i will be able to handle similar bad situations better in future.

and frens..
true frens, hi bye frens, aqquaintances..
dun get me started
learnt alot over the years abt them
from not giving a heck abt having them or not.. to being supa needy abt it.. and then realising that real true frens.. cant be made.. they juz are.
so in the past few bad situations ive had
at least u find out whu ur frens are
pple whu arent swayed by hear-say
whu stand by u
belive u and support u
and love u no matter how bitchy u are.
and im juz glad ive found a few.
and im equally glad ive sifted out the backstabbing bitches..
i seem to attract alot of those.

hmm.. i seem to be goin thru alot of these "learning phases" in my life
and their supa depressing
but i guess i gotta go thru it to.. well.. learn.
better sooner than later i guess.

so now wats left is to decide on wat it is that i wan fer my life..
which is still a huge question mark
best guess?
i juz wan to be happy.
haha

-- wat to wear --

2006-07-31T17:39:00.000+08:00

im an emotional wreck..
and its ure fault

the onli thing that surpasses how much i care abt u and how much u mean to me
is my hatred fer u.

how dare u.
its been long enuff.
wat have u done.

how do u live guilt free.
u deserve to suffer.

strong words ya.. but i dun think ive ever mean them more than i do now.
im not even agitated.
im calm and ive tot thru alot.
and those are wat i truely feel
as much i tried so hard not to feel them
afta wat u did
its inevitable
and i wan u to live w it.

afta last night i told myself that i need to stop getting affected by it
stop being so emotional
stop sitting there feeling sorry fer myself
stop crying
stop thinking that im the victim
juz snap out of my pathetic state.
and get on w life.. detached.

but by this morning u had to do wat u do best again
i dun stand a chance.

i hate all the this..
im exhausted.
but wat can do.
with u.. i always lose.

stop it.. juz stop. pls.

-- ... --

2006-07-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

its not abt having a happy life..
its abt being contented.

and im not contented.
im not the luckiest person on earth..
but neither am i the unluckiest.

but i guess ive got alot to be thankful for.
so why cant i juz be happy
be happy for being me.

im trying.

i dun like me.
and i dun like being me.
if i were another person, i'd hate me.

oh well..
enuff thinking for todae.
headache.

pinkies mini outing
was good
zouking with weilan char sheena peiling mich and yun.
was good.
cross group faci coffee session thingy
was good too

swaps farewell gathering at cris's place
was good.
amazing how bonded swaps is.
the pple.
each and everyone of them
unique and distinct in their own way
it was a good feeling seeing all of them there.
swaps is very much alive the way i see it.
very proud and thankful that im a part of it.

drums yesterday..
supa dupa fun.
i wan to learn more!!

and finally..! happy birthday amelia!!
ure 21 now.
pls stop being so gross. haha
i enjoy having a pig like u as a fren.
cheers to many many more gross years of frenship!

-- waiting for sumthing to happen.. juz waiting --

2006-07-19T00:08:00.000+08:00

think.. happy tots..

mj-ing sa ka w oliver and char till 4am..
but i lost ten freaking bucks.
laffing thill my stomach hurts..
mostly AT the oily, PUMPERS(pampers) mocha clown.
slacking at home w my mum and bobo chacha fer 2 good long daes
driving is so god damn fun..
drums are so god damn fun..
bridging and mj-ing w ginny peiyoon, charchar and jiahui.
i dun feel so dumb when im w them.
won at mj-ing!! finally!
hk soon..! woohoo..
double cheeseburger and twister fries
clubbing tom w wackys and sheena..
charmaine being totally gross.

still lots of stupid things and stupid pple.
i cant even differentiate them.
they juz come all at one go.
ARGGHHH.
this comes 20 mins afta the last post.
therefore im still affected.
ARGHHH..!!

-- jumps off building --

2006-07-18T23:44:00.000+08:00

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!!

stupid things stupid pple.

as sheryl will sae.. this is my air headed way of venting.
i refuse to be affected.
i refuse to analyse and think abt it.
if i dun think i dun get affect and i become happy.
therefore.. empty my head.

juz stupid things and pple.
lump it all up and erase!

fer now at least.. headache..

thank god fer charmaine.
at least i noe u'll always be there fer me.
although not always on my side.. cuz we fight like shit and u make me so pissed i cry tears of anger
and then i wanna bang ur head into the wall and rip u into pieces.
but still.. ure a godsend
comforting me and hear me whining till kingdom comes.
and when i sae everyone hates me
she'll go "wat am i? chopped liver?! i dun hate u.. yet, so not everyone hates u"
but i noe im right.. haha
as i am always!

2006-07-13T23:18:00.000+08:00

im so tired and sleepy..
been wanting to blog abt so many tings..
which i havent gotten my lazy ass arnd to.

camp of cuz.. ended like a gizzilion years ago.. ok last thurs
alot of stupid things and stupid pple ..
chacha's condition now.. which is good.. i think
tues mj-ing at mocha's hse
weds meet up w the vball gals
todae shopping w my mum.

im tired.. all that plus driving everydae..
2 tom sumore.

alot of things i wan to be doin but too tired to.
work.. sumwhere.. anewhere
organise a pinkies outing.
meet up w sum peeps.. alot actually.
tour..
and oh yah.. blog.. proper.

im tired.
so.. random tots first.

oliver shares his wardrobe w his mum.
his mum is the nicest mum arnd
his dad tot char was my chid and shaun my husband.
im old..
vball gals.. pple change
but the chemistry stays.
gossips gossips or rather.. GODDIPS.
im sorrie huili i missed ur bd.. i realli wld haf wanted to be there!
sum pple are realli IDIOTS.
lousy loser moron idiots x 3
and that is wat u ARE!
HA HA!!
ive been affected by things and pple who/which i shldnt haf been bothered with.. fer far too long
and im getting over it!
indifference.. the air headed easy way out
re-cycling w sheryl and jo soon!
hk w peiyoon and ginny!
both of which btw went to the saloon i told them was good!!
chattered on the 2nd level of fareast fer 45mins
blocking the whole world's way.
giggling bimbos.
and im not toking abt me
once again..
idiots some pple..

ok blog proper soon..

-- phuture tom --

2006-07-10T00:54:00.000+08:00

im supa sleepy and tired..
i wan to blog abt the psych camp.
alot of things to sae
but not now..
when im less tired worried and upset

had a helluva rough dae.
mum's birthdae.. but ended up rushing chacha to the vet
she's very sick..
in shock and alot of pain
apparently some foreign object stuck in her stomach.
i dunnoe..
realli worried..
and she prolly got feline flu.
i'll totally die if she doesnt get better.
ive already fallen in love w her..
pls dun take her away.

when i needed support most.
frm a fren.
i din even noe wat's goin on.
juz suddenly got shouted at with accusations.
names calling and the works.
like huh?!
i din even make the decision
thanx alot ya
but watever.. im damn troubled over chacha already
i dun need to be crying my eyes out over another matter
i realli din do anething.
think wat u wan..
but it was damn hurtful u said all those things
and i realli dun need it.

cant belive my dae cld haf gotten worser..
wats ur problem man seriously..

-- cha cha --

2006-07-02T23:29:00.000+08:00

camp tom..
i dunnoe if excited or happy is exactly the word to describe what im feeling..

more like anticipatory.. anxious..
but all in all.. i am looking fer to it.

intend to juz enjoy the camp fer all its worth.
with my group..
cuz i love my grp
and w frens.. char, yun, yvonne..
swappies..
mahjong supper and clubbing at night.
leave all the stupid politics behind.

NARCISSISTIC..!! the pinkies!!

-- cant take my eyes off u --

right now.. seems like nobody can be trusted.
so heck.
i hate thinking.

2006-06-27T23:31:00.000+08:00

cam whoring as usual..

dithster 21st! had a friggin good time!! haha.
me with the food and me AS the food.

ANNE'S 21st! i made her preezzie!

cam whoring AGAIN! of our group of 8.. 4 21st has passed.. 4 more to go!! wheeee..

2006-06-26T22:38:00.000+08:00

i cant believed i actually got so affected by this
hmm.. okie maybe i can.
that's wat politics do to me.
even the itsy bitsy teeniest bit.
and right now im tearing and on the verge of bawling over stupid ppleand their stupid ways
why do i let them affect me

i realli shld start thinking the worse of pple.
and i realized..
despite how excited and idealistic i was abt it, im the one that didnt noe what i got myself into.
hidden agendas.. politics.. manipulation.. attachment..

when i came back todae i perked myself up and already decided not to give a hoot abt all these stupid frivolous stuff.
but then i received a phone call.
and maybe i am over reacting but i started thinking abt it and cldnt help getting all affected again.

im definately not the most tactful of pple.
and when im pissed im supa opinionated and subjective.
but at least in this case..
watever i did or said was fer wat i felt in my opinion was fer the good of the event.
and right now..
i definately feel victimised.
like im getting embroiled in a conflict i knew nuthing abt
suddenly i belonged to a side that apparently is in conflict w another.
wat the fuck.

and its saddening..
cuz maybe i do not portray myself the way i actually feel.
but i sure as hell wan no part in this "conflict"
im very attached to this group
and i wan the best fer it.
but if my presence is onli making it hard fer e pple whu's gonna run this event
then i rather pull out.
there's more to my life then having to worry and care so much and then get shit fer it.

im not capapble at all.
but i was juz trying to help.
and may i add i din offer it.. it was requested.
watever i said or in watever bitchy tone i said it is juz wat i felt was good fer the event.
no agendas watsoever.
i dun like wasting time on guessing games.
im blunt but at least i sae it as i feel it.
if u dun like so be it.
but dun attach fake meanings to my actions juz cuz it fits ur agenda
get a freaking life.

yeah im pissed.. and im sad.
most of all im disillusioned.
and im prolly over reacting.
but thats how i feel.
im so affected i cant even blog coherently.

anyways,
watever mindsset i joined this with..
its totally diff now.
ive seen a different side of alot of pple since the first encounter.
some haf realli improved alot.. and i even feel like an ardent supporter of these pple.
others. leaves alot more to be desired. and haf definately proved wat pple haf told me abt them rite.
its nuthing personal..
to me.. hardly anething is..
so its furnie how they can take it so personally and turn it into some kind of a competition that i din even noe existed.
pathetic.
i nv gave a 2nd thought abt it cuz its all part and parcel of planning.
juz take it in stride and move on.
but u guys seem to eat sleep SHIT this stuff
reading too much into things and doin unnecessary stuff.

but like i said, onli in this case.
in another circumstances i wld realli haf liked u maybe.
act i did in the beginning.. but now i noe better.
all i can sae is..
i found a 2nd XYZ and amala and lynn.. u were rite. absolutely right.

watever it is..
i re-iterate that i wan no part in this "conflict"
and if a defeat is wat u wan.. u got it.
im ready to back out anetime.
u can haf full control.
and i sae that cuz i trust that u cannot control pple whu are not puppets.
and these pple that ive grown to be ardent supporters of..
they are NO PUPPETS. and they will pull it off.

and i realised im so affected onli because afta todae.. i care alot more.
now not juz abt the event.
but the new frens i made.
and the pple i gave too little credit to.
but are realli pulling thru now.

anewaes..
im gonna take a couple of tissue.
wipe of the angry and sad tears.. whichever they are.
go back to my world cup.
and back to my already complicated life which im trying to make the most of.
i shall not be affected anemore by this.
the best way to get back of such stupid pple is to be indifferent to their antics.
juz chill. my motto.
im gonna enjoy it whether u like it or not!
and thankfully, its made possible by pple whu i noe are on my side.
and even more pissed than me
esp char.. u rock! haha.
honestly.. WATEVER.
enjoy the onli in ur life that qualifies to be a life..

sigh.. stupid stupid kim..
rem that humans are horrible.
and so are u!

-- mocha, boxer, kylie, ah-ma, WTH --

2006-06-23T00:59:00.000+08:00

bobo chacha bobo chacha bobo chacha...
say it out loud..
doesnt it hav such nice ring to it?!
and its a perfect name fer my perfect new baby kitten.. chacha.

yes i found one of them..
sumone saw my notice and msged me..
2 pple actually.
how nice.
" a black kitten is trapped in a drain at blk812"

told char and she went down to help me find the kitty since i was still stuck at sentosa.
when she called me to tell me the state of the kitten i was totally devestated.
thank god fer char.. i wldnt haf known wat to do w it.
its fronts paws are injured and it seemed to be in alot of pain.
its very hostile and keeps hissing and trying to bite me.
so diff frm the kitty i saw yest.
im not sure if its the same one..
but heck im so glad i took it home

its raining outside now and i cant imagine it stuck in that rain drenched freezing starving and mewing its lungs out in pain.
tell me that doesnt bring a tear to ur eyes.
i was on the verge of crying when i saw it..
but now its safe warm and fed all snuggled up in my towels at home w me.
yay!

still.. i dunnoe if i can keep it.
im terrified of cats.
and this is one of the most hostile cat ive seen
proly got a bad impression of humans.
sumone prolly abused it b4 i found it.
curse u to death whoever u are.
i tried to feed it milk and clean it w a warm towel but it keeps biting me and hissing at me.
and im more of a dog person.
so i realli dunnoe how to care fer a cat.
my mum says i gotta pay fer all its expenses and care fer it.
im scared and im broke
and im worried.
and bobo will never be able to get along w her..
she's barking at her rite now..
they'll prolly kill each other.
but i cant bring myself to put it to sleep.
we'll juz hafta see.
aneone wans to give a poor ol' abandoned kitten a new loving home?
hehe..

i wonder how are its other litter mates.
its heart wrenching juz to fathom the fact that their prolly freezing drenched and starving sumwhere out there.
sigh..

fer now chacha stays..
so here's a tribute to her.
22nd june 7.15 pm CHACHA adopted me!!
yay!

-- chacha is not a cheena name okie meanie! --

2006-06-22T01:39:00.000+08:00

im crushed..!!!

on the way home todae from the mrt..
yesh i took mrt
i saw two kittens juz at the pavement outside.
they were adorable!
esp the black one.
it came up to me and mewed its lungs out
they were scrawny and obviously starving to death lah.
no mother in sight

this woman came up to me and asked me if i was gonna take them home.
i cant lah duh.
dum will die of a heart attack
so i carried them to her block where she said she'll look out fer them and try to call spca
obviously i knew spca wun give a shit.

so i went home and begged my mum to let me bring them home
she said okie!
and i went back str8away to find them
but they were gone!!!
searched fer an hr.
so sad

supa dupa dupa sad.
shld haf juz took them home.
realli hope the women or some kind soul took them in.
haiz.

wished i was older and a hell lot richer with my animal shelter all up and running.
so i can juz whisk them off to my animal haven place.
and they nv ever haf to worry abt a thing.
i hate this feeling.

gonna search fer them tom again.
lovely lovely kittens whu scratched the shit outta my palms.
and those of u whu know me know im terrified of cats.
but those love lorned kitty eyes..
and the emaciated body.
argh..
piang..
pls pls let them be safe and happy

i love animals so much more then humans.
bleah
hate feeling like that.
im NOT a kind caring person.
not towards most humans at least.
and i dunnoe why animals haf sucha hold over me.
so icky..
bleah.

-- kim's animal haven open 24/7 --

2006-06-21T00:38:00.000+08:00

once again.. wheee... driving's fun.
although todae's instructor was.. uhmm.. uncomfortable.
well.. those of u whu noe noe.. dun wan to discuss anemore here.

i like my hair colour..
yay! and phew. haha.

drums is supa dupa dupa fun!
like supa!
im so enjoying it lah!

MM trial run.. scary!
and fun.. more swappies were there..
the good old feeling was there once more.
i screamed my lungs out lah even with shaun whu admitted he was scared ball-less too!

muddy's dunwan me..
boo..
so i dunnoe 3 vodka brands and 5 different types of cocktails..
bleah.
so aneone whu has a job to intro me pls do..
cuz im god damn broke
and i need the cash fer my hk trip.
im not choosy..
juz that with driving and all..
i can onli work evenings aft 3.30pm 3 daes a week
and no less then $7/hr pls. and preferbly town
haha. cannot find
unless like a volunteering type of job.. then $1 per hr oso can
i wan the experience.

oh well.. life's a daze right now.. not too bad daze.
cuz every night world cup until i blur
like seriously.
boo.

-- underdogs --

2006-06-16T01:12:00.000+08:00

i hate being wrongly accused and misunderstood
being the subject of anger and blame
when its not my bloody fault
misperceived about my bloody stand.

i hate it that im affected.. still
when i shld juz be indifferent.
the way i was fer a long time
i hate it that it took 2 paragraphs to blog this.
but heck.. im done with it.

i bought diy hair dye fer myself the first time.
well.. its technically my virgin time dying my whole head a certain colour diy.
and im not totally satisfied w the result.
the roots are too blond and bright and the back is virtually unchanged.
i wanted an ashy hazel brown.. the baby hair kind
then i wanna streak it ash blond.
the most normal hair color effect i ever wanted.
im getting old
no more purple, green mossy fringe and pink attachments or bright red streaks.
but im realli excited to see the effect cus i never had such colour done.
always tot it'd make me look too ah lian..
or too tann and beachy wannabe.
but heck.. i wan to try
haha

so tom buy another packet of dye to dye the back..
save money..
only streak then go salon.
im broke.
dunnoe why
dun ask me..
evil monsters steal from my account when im not checking
money juz disappears.

oh well.. so if u see me.. pls sae my hair is nice.
even if it turns out to make me look like a 30 year old ah lianish auntie with a bad tann.
so weird to see my hair this color.
luckily its not copper or red.. hate those tones.

oh yeah went beaching todae with jo.
fun as usual..
hot hot sun..

fright nite trial fun tom night..
ah im actually feeling kinda scared.
but cant wait!
yippee!

-- i want the job! i think.. --

2006-06-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

driving's fun..
drums even funner..
pardon the england.

ure a meanie..
meanie meanie meanie..
and u better make up fer it!
bleah!

yay my mum subscribed to world cup channels!
woohoo..

psych camp..
cross fingers cross toes cross eyes..

i dreamt of donuts last nite..
yummy..

ohwell..
busy week this week..
fun fun fun!

-- cut and paste in ur brain pls --

2006-06-08T18:33:00.000+08:00

the week end was dreadful..
on so many levels.
but its been 4 daes.
and im over it.
yah there will be long lasting changes.
and there was a ton of stuff i wanted to lament abt.
but heck.

driving is so god dman fun
i cant wait till i pass and get my own car.
which hopefully is within the next sem pls.

and im finally learning drums
like afta a million years of saying that i wanna.
think i wanna furthur my guitar playing too.
fer once let me finish sumthing i started.

right now i think im stuck in the middle.
but i think thats kinda normal rite?
in a funny way i think im a perfectionist when it comes to my life..
which is realli weird.
i mean look at my room.
but.. ah well.. i get wat i mean.

ive been sick the past week.
my mum's been sick this week
i juz feel kinda frumpy and tired and lazy like perpetually.
and i feel like im re-claming the flu bug frm my mum.
oh well..

-- world cup fever --

2006-06-03T14:37:00.000+08:00

fer the last time, its not abt u.
u dun even noe whu this is abt..

so pls.. it hasnt been abt u fer a long time now and its gonna stay that way.
i told u

and this post is not abt u.. its abt me.. and me being damn fustrated.
stop misconceptionalising me..
n stop mis perceiving my stand

there is nuthing abt my life that u could possibly be sorrie abt because nuthing's got anething to do w u.

and u, pls, why the hell do i need to lie to u.
especially now.
why wld i waste my time and energy to lie?!
dun flatter urself.

recently it seems im forced to be in sucha hateful position.
in so many situations.
it din haf to be like this.
but all u pple leave me with no choice.

-- a dreadful weekend ahead.. and i cldnt be more thankful --

2006-06-02T23:41:00.000+08:00

i cant believe u blew it again.

......

actually i can, in fact i knew it wld come sooner or later.

oh but then again, i guess its not u blowing it..
cuz since ure all so great and hot and everything.
go amuse urself with ur huge ego.

well, i tried to be civil. and i cld haf been a whole lot worse. u noe.
and that's as far as i go.

i was goin to sae i cant believe u said that or even tot that.
but u noe wat.. once again, i can.
i guess u always haf.
and that's that.

and since thats the way it is,
i cant possibly have anething to sae to u.

im not walking away again.
u think about it..
im not doin anething.
its juz like that.
u blew it.

but hey, by ur terms, u'd be better off aneway.

and it hurts
it cuts so deep.
hey wat's new.
but still u can never get used to such pain.

at least now i can sae im not suprised.
still im not gonna stand there and take it.
and guess wat.. suprise suprise.. it doesnt end there.
when it comes to u it never does does it?
alright, u be the victim. go on.
stab it in again and again.
might as well get a work out outta it rite?
ure turning it into a fucking marathon.

-- happy now? u shld be.. u said u'd be --

2006-05-28T22:02:00.000+08:00

u noe some people are juz total idiots.
IDIOTS..!!
nvm.. chilll..

im too sick to hafta deal w stupid pple.
swaps trial run was.. how do i put it.. cold?
got caught in the rain.. played realli dirty games.. but whu am i to complain.
my motto last yr was the dirtier the better.. what's a little dirt gonna do?
so yah.. fever, chills, block nose, sore throat.. the whole deal.
stupid idiots pls siam.

juz hope psych camp will turn out okie..
we juz all wish the best fer swaps.
and thats more than wat i can sae fer some pple.

i dunnoe how i come across to certain pple..
but im guessing.. not too good.
i dun mean to be sarcastic or condscending..
i juz tok like that.
to everyone..
and it doesnt help if i actually DO think ure an incompetent idiot.
okie, maybe i do not give enuff credit when it is due.
too bad.

im sick and tired.. and it cant get more literal than that.
human beings are horrible.
inlcuding me.
yucky yucks.

oh yah.. i finally found out wat anti-sematic means todae.
that was the highlight of my day.
can u imagine wat my day was like?!
haha

i realised even when i intend to blog proper..
it still ends up rather random.
nuthing connects.
i juz think like that.. do not insert bimbo joke here.

-- get a grip man --

2006-05-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

i got my lappie working again..!
n i got internet!
byebye stone ages.

too lazy to update.. too lazy to type in full sentences.. incoherent thinking
random tots:

im a bum
mahjong rules
drop out like fries
psych camp ... shoot me now.
fights and tears
drum courses nearby?
i wan to volunteer
need a job
yay learning driving!
im 1million kg
some friends rule some friends suck
thank god ure in my life
u psychotic thing
MOS im gorgeous
my room is a warzone
im taking the MRT again
my mum is a pain in the arse
but i love her
tour
anne's 21st
ij gals.. we're so old
trial runs and facis
progballers and winning scrabble
bumming bumming bumming
movies galore!!!!
a ton of sweets.. and i mean a TON of sweets

-- im sleepy and i weigh a million kg --

2006-05-16T18:11:00.000+08:00

ive got no internet..
its the bloody stone ages.

-- i need a life--

2006-05-03T15:12:00.000+08:00

exams over..!! wheeee...

life still sucks thou..

and YOU noe why.

the problem is.. I wanna noe why?!

anewaes..good music, good company, good fun.
pictures soon!
and didn't i tell u i mix pretty well?!
get down on ur knees and worship me now!!
haha..
"its the company lah its the company.. its me lah its me"
dun realli makes sense when all 3 pple sae it huh..

-- i am scum --

2006-05-03T15:08:00.000+08:00

2006-04-28T21:21:00.000+08:00

life sucks

exams suckz

toshiba sux

ipod thiefs suck

i need to be alot more optimistic about life

i will be after tues..

till then...

-- spooked and lonely --

2006-04-20T17:31:00.000+08:00

argh..!!
my laptop is still with them.

and oh yah.. i lost my ipod nano.

no laptop and no ipod.
im officially inadequate in all physical and mental aspects
im a vegetable.

exam period is here again.
doesnt feel like it now.
and that is scary.
it irritates me and i wanna sqeam about it
but i feel mentally insufficient to do so now.

there's absolutely nuthing to look ferward to.
everything sucks.

-- except that u cook fer me clean fer me and perform one helluva good massage. --

2006-04-11T18:07:00.000+08:00

my laptop is still spoilt.
actually.. it's alot easier to live w/o my laptop than what i would haf expected.
most of the time i dun realli miss it or need it.
juz that i feel supa outta touch
half the time i dun realli noe wat's goin on cuz everyone contacts u by email.
wat happened to good ol' fashion phone calls?!

ans fren claim that i have been MIA cuz im nv on msn.
erm.. i still haf a hp u noe.
and there's a physical being outside of the purple comic sans words on msn.

exams are nearing.
but i feel as if im goin out like its the hols already.
that's bad right?

life now is kinda stable.
but im juz waiting fer that something to make everything come crushing down.
and i call myself an optimist.

i juz printed 297 pages worth of notes in sch.
67 of those is because i fergot to indicate wanted handouts and not slides.
not the first time i did this.. and im sure it wun be the last.
i hate being blur.
todae it cost me $2.95. grr....
and it makes me feel dumb.. so a minute ago, i decided to put that 67 pages into char's bag.
out of sight out of mind.
i feel better already
it nv happened.

realised im blogging very randomly. no link watsoever..
im not realli functioning.
waiting fer MOS w my darlings this weds.
oh wait.. that's tom! wheeee~

--pls pray fer my laptop--

2006-04-07T20:30:00.000+08:00

my laptop is still with those slow ass toshiba technicians.
i tot u said 3 daes?!
1.5 week already leh.

therefore im delegated to stealing internet from my frens
rotting in sch comp labs
or just learning to live w/o it
not that bad actually.

2 tests are over
screwed fer both
1st one i was still hungover.. the 2nd.. nuthing i studied came up
but thats wat happens when u onli study the summary part.. oh well

if i had i choice.. i'd choose u.
but like i said.. if i had a choice.
not like either is there fer me to choose anywaes.

-- tired --